What Matters to Me: Rob Rouse, comedian

Who would attend your fantasy dinner party and what would you eat? I would invite the judges from Great British Menu, who seem to whinge about everything put before them. I would feed them lukewarm salted porridge while a dinner-lady hissed, “eat what you’re given, you ungrateful sods”.

• Whom did you last text and what was the message? It was to my wife and read; “Of course” in response to her: “Going to bed, can you let Ron out for a wee when you get in? x”. Ron is our dog.

• It’s not cool but... I’m into home brewing.

• What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given? David Haddingham, a comic and electrician, once advised me when I was re-wiring a light socket, thus; “Well Rob, just connect the red to red, the black to black, then turn it back on with a f-ing great big stick”.

• What’s the worst job you ever had? Cold-calling lab technicians to see if they wanted to change their equipment supply catalogue. If we got three “yes” calls in an hour then a waspish lady would give us a Celebrations chocolate.

• Who is your favourite fictional character? Kermit the Frog. There’s no finer sight than him on a bike.

• What are you afraid of? Horses. I think they’re just too big to be that skittish. Also, I think it’s unfair that they’re allowed to crap on the road.

• Did you have a nickname growing up? Cyril. My dad and his mates sang it round my cot once and it just stuck.

• What situations make you lose your temper? Selfishness. Especially people texting or checking Facebook on their phones when they’re driving.

• What would your alternative profession be? Rock star.

• What food or drink is always in your fridge? Chilli sauce. I’m addicted to chilli and vinegar.

• If you could change something about yourself, what would it be? My appalling time management. I’ll sort it out later.

• If you could travel back in time, where would you go? I would happily go back to the birth of both my kids.

• Saturday night or Sunday morning? They are both meaningless without each other.

• Who or what is the love of your life? My wife and kids.

Rouse is appearing at The Stand Comedy Club (5 York Place, Edinburgh, 0131-558 7272, www.thestand.co.uk) on Tuesday, 7:30pm, tickets £12.