New production line: a preview of the year ahead in Scottish Theatre

Scotland’s big hitters have some intriguing projects, as this month-by-month diary – with added creative licence – reveals

JANUARY

THE year begins with much of Scottish theatre in a state of nervous collapse, brought on by prolonged uncertainty, and the announcement of yet another comprehensive review of the Scottish theatre scene, comissioned by Creative Scotland for publication later this year; you couldn’t, they mutter, make it up.

The mood improves slightly, though, at the first big opening night of the year, when Creative Scotland’s bouncy boss Andrew Dixon livens up the interval drinks session at the Royal Lyceum/Vox Motus production of The Infamous Brothers Davenport by leaping onto a table in the Lyceum bar, and throwing a few shapes. Punters are reminded of his outstanding performance at a 2011 Fringe show called Dance Marathon, when he emerged as runner-up after a solid four hours on the dance-floor; say what you like about Creative Scotland, murmurs the crowd, at least the boss knows how to model a Hawaiian shirt.

FEBRUARY

THE National Theatre of Scotland, meanwhile, sails on serenely, with direct funding from the Scottish Government; and in February, all eyes swivel towards His Majesty’s Theatre in Aberdeen, where the NTS stages the premiere of An Appointment With The Wicker Man, a musical comedy response to the great 1973 cult film. Hearing that Alex Salmond is a great fan of His Majesty’s - and that he asked for a satirical song called The Quine That Did The Strip at Inverurie to be added to the 2011 annual panto – director Vicky Featherstone asks whether the First Minister’s office has any requests for the Wicker Man show; the FM suggests an upbeat version of Come On Baby Light My Fire.

MARCH

FOLLOWING her triumph in the Aberdeen panto - see above - Scottish superstar Elaine C Smith takes on the leading role in a new musical drama called I Dreamed A Dream, based on the life of Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle. As it turns out, the world premiere of this major Scottish event takes place at the Theatre Royal, Newcastle; nonetheless, the star of the after-show party is the boss of Creative Scotland, who offers his own karaoke version of Boyle’s latest hit Someone To Watch Over Me, with dance moves.

APRIL

EXCITEMENT is intense, as great actor David Hayman prepares to return to the stage in a new Citizens’ production of King Lear. Strangely, no-one suggests a musical version of Shakespeare’s most bitter and visionary tragedy; but at the opening night in Kirkcaldy of the National Theatre of Scotland’s revival of its great pub show The Strange Undoing Of Prudencia Hart, a VIP guest at the Creative Scotland table causes an uproar when he tries to join the cast in the show’s closing number, a famously erotic version of Kylie Minogue’s Can’t Get You Out Of My Head.

MAY

THE Imaginate Children’s Theatre Festival opens in Edinburgh, and the NTS launches its new touring version of The Last Polar Bears, based on a story by the late, great cartoonist Harry Horse. The First Minister’s office suggests that the show would be improved by the inclusion of a dance-along version of When It Snows, Tiddly-Pom; Vicky Feathestone’s office does not respond.

JUNE

ALAN Cumming stars in a solo version of Macbeth at the Tramway, while Dundee Rep mounts a new production of The Tempest; the Dundee show includes a rap version of Full Fathom Five Thy Father Lies, which has at least one member of the audience jiving in the aisles.

JULY

SCOTTISH theatre goes on holiday, while the staff of Creative Scotland undertakes an intensive summer course in paticipatory musical theatre at the Conservatoire of Scotland, formerly known as the RSAMD.

AUGUST

WITH the UK in the grip of Olympic fever, the Edinburgh International Festival grabs its share of the action by hosting two productions from the Royal Shakespeare Company’s World Shakespeare Festival. Meanwhile, the Glasgow-based land art company NVA creates its new Olympic event Speed Of Light, which involves illuminated teams of runners racing around Arthur’s Seat in the dark. The staff of Creative Scotland form a Speed Of Light team, exhausting themselves to the point where they can hardly raise a hand-jive at all other Festival events.

SEPTEMBER

THE Royal Lyceum combines with the National Theatre of Scotland to present a new staging of The Guid Sisters, a legendary Scots version of Michel Tremblay’s great 1965 play about a group of women in a Montreal tenement trying to win the consumer jackpot by sticking thousands of trading stamps into books. The First Minister visits rehearsals, and suggests that a traditional Hebridean working-song might add to the atmosphere; Quebecois director Serge Denoncourt gives him a hard stare, and returns to work.

OCTOBER

CREATIVE Scotland’s review of Scottish theatre is finally published; but after noting the three-star rating at the top of the review, the theatre community goes to the pub to drown its sorrows, without reading the rest.

NOVEMBER

AFTER a busy year, the fabulous actress, director and chanteuse Cora Bissett moves into the Citizens’ Theatre with her new musical show Glasgow Girls, about a group of Glasgow schoolgirls who fought to prevent the deportation of asylum-seekers who had become their schoolmates and friends. After the show, the boss of Creative Scotland is found weeping in the bar, confessing to all-comers that he really wants to be Cora Bissett; but after a few stiff drinks, he recovers his usual spirits, and is seen throwing a few dance moves, as he heads for the Edinburgh train.

DECEMBER

AFTER a year of intense musical and physical action, Scottish panto producers struggle to find teams of performers who have not knackered their voices, or knees, or both, and show a strange preference for text-only Christmas shows. Scotland’s latest panto genius Alan McHugh - co-author of the Susan Boyle show - is now so rich that he need never work again; but he obligingly pens a three-act version of Mother Goose in the style of Ibsen, for the Citizens’ Christmas season. The boss of Creative Scotland, though, is last seen grooving in the aisles with his friend the First Minister, at the gala opening of the Christmas blockbuster at the Edinburgh Playhouse. The moves are smooth, the mood is ecstatic; and the show - well, it’s Dirty Dancing. What else?

• Apart from the fantasy version of Mother Goose mentioned in the final paragraph, all the shows mentioned above are real, and will take place as described. Many of the details, though, are entirely fictional.