Comedian Pete Cain’s take on Scottish independence

I must confess that I don’t know the finer details of the arguments the propaganda merchants are peddling in the debate about Scottish Independence. However, I do know that no one knows how well independence would work and everyone knows what keeping things as they are would be like – same shit, different rainy day.

Pete Cain. Picture: submitted

I actually think the referendum is the wrong way around. It should be the English voting on whether the Scots should be running the UK, given that the Scottish Parliament are doing a far better job of running a country on behalf of its people than the parasites in Westminster. Just so long as they don’t get Gordon Brown in as a consultant.

Personally, I’d prefer Scotland to remain part of the UK, not least because the last remaining threads of socialism emanate from Scotland and without that influence in our political system, socialism may well become the next thing the Tories try to privatise.

However, if I were Scottish, I’d definitely vote “YES”*. Any opportunity to escape the oppressive rule of the corrupt self-serving British bureau-prats who frequent Westminster Palace should be grabbed with both hands. The premise that our politicians are elected to represent our best interests is now laughable. Political money-sucking leeches have infested the corridors of our democracy and do everything they can to help multi-national corporations exploit us in exchange for well-paid jobs - which they conveniently take up shortly after they’ve been exposed and forced to leave the political arena via the sewage pipe.

If you’re a Scot and unsure which way to vote why not hold a séance in your kitchen and summon-up your ancestors to get their take on it. I’m pretty certain that long before you’ve finished explaining your concerns about economic stability they’ll have smashed all the crockery and blown-up the toaster. Probably best not to mention that all you have to do to regain independence is put a cross on a piece of paper rather than invade England and kill the monarch.

Always better to look forward than back, though. Open your mind wide enough and you’ll see an opportunity to defy conventional thinking altogether, and not only become independent of the UK but the Europe Union, the defunct global economy and indeed the evils of money itself. Scotland has the resources to become a self-sufficient Utopian society. Just focus the entire population on producing and freely distributing the home-grown goods Scotland is world famous for, and then everybody could live in harmony on a diet of smoked salmon, shortbread and whisky. Heaven!

Even if independence goes horribly wrong, surely it will have all been worth it just to have had control of the border again and been able to tell the English they can’t come in.

• The views expressed by Pete Cain are his opinion at the time of publication and are not necessarily what he thinks now because he’s prone to changing his mind

• Pete Cain will be bringing his Everybody Out show to this year’s Edinburgh Festival Fringe