10 of Ronnie Corbett’s funniest Two Ronnies news headlines

TO mark the Scots comedian’s 85th birthday, we’ve compiled some of Ronnie Corbett’s finest news headlines from the iconic Two Ronnies series

It's a good night from me... Ronnie Corbett and Ronnie Barket pictured together at their news desk. Picture: PA

“West Mersea police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.”

“After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.”

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“We’ve just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.”

“A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the Kingston bypass, motorists are told to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.”

“We’ve just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.”

“George Trimball, Blackpool’s longest serving deckchair attendant, was better tonight after collapsing at work today. It took five people 40 minutes to work out how to get him up again.”

“A vicar who rode his bike the wrong way up the M1 was asked how he managed to avoid an accident. He replied ‘God was with me’ and was furthered charged for riding two on a bike”

“In a drive to improve standards in service and hygiene, a West End hotel today dismissed a waiter for having his thumb in the soup. They also dismissed a topless waitress for two similar offences.”

“George Thrakes, the building contractor who was jailed last year for supplying millions of pounds worth of defective building materials to the Government, escaped from Wormwood Scrubs today when the front fell off.”

“We’ll also be discussing the bread shortage, with a woman who has been throwing IOUs to the ducks.”