The 21 best jokes in the history of the Edinburgh Festival
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The list was compiled by scouring through end-of-festival best joke lists dating back ten years.
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1-Mark Watson.
“I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. “I thought to myself, it’s not really impossible if he’s already done it twice.”
2- Joe Lycett
“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
3-Patrick Monahan
“My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs.”
4-Adam Hess
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Hide Ad“Did you know Kinder Surprise is German for unwanted pregnancy?”
5-Laura Lexx
“My boyfriend and I used to argue over the duvet. I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish and he liked to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne.”
6-Chris Turner
“I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.”
7-Jimeoin
“Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t great but the reception was fantastic.”
8-Hayley Ellis
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Hide Ad“I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.”
9-Mark Nelson
“Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.”
10-Joel Dommet
“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.”
11-Harriet Kemsley
“I’m allergic to nuts, which means that if I ever want to commit suicide I can do it by Ferrero Rocher.”
12- Lou Sanders
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Hide Ad“You have to think positively, for example, I don’t have a drink problem. I have a drink opportunity.”
13-Tom Neenan
“Did you know if you count the number of stars in the universe and compare that to the number of grains of sand on a beach, you can ruin a holiday?”
14-Rob Auton
“I was quite an upbeat child, I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel.”
15-Fin Taylor
“My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.”
16-Juliet Meyers
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Hide Ad“Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people: they hate bigotry.”
17- Gary Delaney
“Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”
18- Chris Coltrane
“The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.”
19-Darren Walsh
“Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens.”
20-Josie Long
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Hide Ad“When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said: ‘Oh, two or three’. She wondered why her marriage didn’t work.”
21- Matt Winning
“Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.”