Sean Hughes: his greatest jokes, quips and one-liners

Comedian Sean Hughes died on Monday, aged 51. Picture: PA Wire

• READ MORE: Sean Hughes: Comedian dies aged 51

Sean Hughes, who died on Monday at the age of 51, was one of the most gifted comedians of his generation. The Perrier award winner found fame on the popular BBC music quiz show Never Mind the Buzzcocks, where he was a team captain from 1996 to 2002, even if he struggled to reconcile that success with his own dark style of comedy.

We take a look at the late Hughes’ finest jokes and career moments. Here are some of his best jokes, quotes and one-liners:

“God is amazing because he’s f***ed up my life and he doesn’t exist at the same time, which is quite a skill.”

“I failed my driving test for stalling. The instructor said: ‘Just get into the f***ing car.’”

“I was a rebel. I used to rebel against my parents. What I used to do is, when they went to the shops, I’d run upstairs and turn the immersion heater on for an hour.”

“I thought when I was 41, I would be married with kids. Well, to be honest I thought I would be married with weekend access.”

“I went to the hospital with my psoriasis. They gave me a DVD of The Singing Detective and said ‘Good luck with your life.’”

“I don’t know whether it’s because I’m a man or because I was brought up a Catholic. But sometimes I find the whole idea of sex repulsive and at other times I’d gladly stick my penis up a drain.”

“My dog always barks at Goths. ‘But I’m not a Goth.’ How’s he to know? He’s only a dog.”

“These born again Christians, they come to your door and go: ‘Would you like to invite Jesus into your house?’ You go: ‘Yeah, but you can wait outside’.”

“I saw a swan fighting an Alsatian along a canal in Glasgow. Now I know Glasgow’s fairly rough.”

“I’m not into one-night stands … I can’t take that level of commitment.”

“What the f*** do gardeners do when they retire?”

• READ MORE: Interview: Sean Hughes, comedian

“Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night, I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar, or as you call it, a delicatessen.”

On tourists filming everything with camera phones: “‘How was your holiday?’ ‘Don’t know. Haven’t watched it yet.’”

“Here’s my favourite joke to play on a pal. Tell them you have just seen a ‘materu’ when they ask ‘What’s a materu’ you get to say ‘Shutupayourface’.”

“Anyone in from the old country? Yeah? What part of Greece are you from?”

“I quit drinking totally for a couple of years because I was having too many ‘proper’ drinks,’ I knew I was drinking too much when I had to be put out at a party. I don’t mean I was asked to leave. My jacket was on fire.”

“Everyone grows out of their Morrissey phase...except Morrissey.”

Sean Hughes wrote poignantly about his own death in the 1994 collection, Sean’s Book: “I want to be cremated. I know how boring funerals can be. I want people to gather, meet new people, have a laugh, a dance, meet a loved one. I want people to have free drink all night.

“I want people to patch together, half truths. I want people to contradict each other. I want them to say ‘I didn’t know him but cheers’ I want my parents there, adding more pain to their life. I want The Guardian to mis-sprint three lines about me or to be mentioned on the news just before the ‘parrot who loves Brookside’ story.

“I want to have my ashes scattered in a bar, on the floor, mingle with sawdust, a bar where beautiful trendy people will trample over me … again.”

This article first appeared on our sister site, inews.