Ruth Walker: 'What are all these grown women doing lusting after pre-pubescent boys?'

AM I missing something? OK, so I may be getting on a bit, but I haven't hung up my hormones just yet and I consider myself as red-blooded as the next woman. Still, Robert Pattinson leaves me as cold as an old trout that's been lying on the fishmonger's slab too long and has started to turn a bit limp around the gills.

I mean, come on people, he's just a boy. Utterly sexless. He and his whiney, grubby-looking girlfriend Kristen Stewart must be the dullest couple in Hollywood. And now the Twilight actor — at the grand old age of 24 — has been voted the world's sexiest man.

As if that pasty-faced youth wasn't uninspiring enough in the sex stakes, No 2 on Glamour magazine's list of hotties is one Taylor Lautner, the buffed-up teen - actually, he's just 18, a year older than The Teenager and therefore officially Still A Child - who plays werewolf Jacob Black. That's in Twilight, by the way.

Ian Somerhalder (pushing daisies at 31), is apparently in something called The Vampire Diaries. He's at No 3 and I had to google him to find out who he is. Turns out his eyes have no pupils whatsoever. He looks like he needs a good night's sleep. And a good wash. That's the undead for you.

A new entry at No 4 is another vampire from Twilight, Xavier Samuel (26). I've actually seen Twilight, but was too busy getting angry about Kristen Stewart's moany face to notice him..

Fifth place is held by Kellan Lutz (25), yet another Twilight werewolf. Boring, isn't it?

As for the rest of the top ten, the places are taken by Justin Bieber, Hayden Christensen and Channing Tatum. Only Johnny Depp and Gerard Butler can be accurately described as men (and Butler, in the esteemed opinion of one colleague, is "too Scottish to count".)

It might be useful to point out the fact that Glamour targets a female readership aged between 18 and 49, with the median age of 33.5. So what, may I ask, are all these grown women doing lusting after pre-pubescent boys young enough to be their sons?

In an attempt to redress the balance, I did a quick straw poll around the office to establish my own, more realistic top ten-or-so and, let me tell you, it makes fascinating reading.

In no particular order we have Daniel Craig, George Clooney and Will Smith, "though no-one will ever top Newman", according to one correspondent.

Another listed Terry Hall, frontman of The Specials, "because of his dark, sulky eyes and what I imagine to be his dangerous sexual power", and Brandon Flowers, frontman of The Killers, "because of his dark, sulky eyes and what I imagine to be his dangerous sexual power". Does anyone else detect a pattern developing?

We have Javier Bardem ("lips, eyes, cheekbones, accent, lips, language, mind, acting ability ... did I mention lips?"), Jeff Bridges, Gerard Depardieu ("he has a vineyard — what's not to like?"), Eddie Izzard ("with or without a dress"), Ray Winstone, Colin Firth and Nicolas Cage.

Not a blood-sucker in sight. I fear, however, that the colleague who nominated Barry Chuckle ("he'd make me laugh - and he's very supple") may be beyond saving. n

• This article was first published in the Scotland on Sunday on August 29, 2010