Pauline Nimmo on young parents

I am 20 and have just had a baby. I recently finished university and had good career prospects. I love my baby but the truth is I can't cope when he cries and am so tired all the time.

I know I got myself into this situation and have to get on with it but it's so hard. The baby's dad sends me money as he lives abroad but this doesn't help the way I feel. My uni friends ask me to go out and don't realise I can't afford the time, money or energy. I am too young to be like this and feel like I have failed already.

A significant life change is always difficult to adjust to. You are probably doing a great job but this doesn't mean you don't need and deserve a great deal of help and support. Your feelings and problems are common but can be hard to deal with alone. Could any family members help out? It is hard to ask for help, particularly if you feel a failure, but make sure you take every opportunity to ask for and accept help - you could also try speaking to your local health visitor.

Your friends may need time to realise the situation has changed. Being at university and embarking on a promising career then becoming a parent can be a shock but shouldn't be seen in terms of failure - just a need to change priorities and direction. Being a parent is a hard and challenging role and most people feel they are failing at one time or another. All parents need to take time for themselves and even having a night in with friends or having them babysit is a good idea.

Things tend to improve with time and experience. A routine is always invaluable for parent and baby but can take time to establish. And remember, sleep is more important than household chores - make sure your catch-up priorities are right.

Too close

I am 18 and my ex-boyfriend is 19. Our daughter is 15 months. We are not together as we argued all the time, especially when my mum or his sister tried to tell us what was best for the baby.

My mum comes round whenever she wants and my partner's sister insists on buying things for our daughter that I don't like. This is also a problem because his family try to buy time with the baby, bringing toys and food then asking to take her for the day. I don't want to cause arguments as I need their help. How do I deal with this and keep the peace?

It is very true that families can be a crucial help. However, this does not mean they should interfere in your life and try to take over. Most likely they do care and want to spend time with you and your daughter, but it's best to be as honest as possible and make your feelings clear to the family.

Spending time shopping together can be a good way to share ideas about clothes etc. It is unlikely they will withdraw babysitting support if you explain how you feel - that you value and need their support but you need to feel in control too. The chances are they get a great deal of satisfaction from helping out but sometimes families can become too involved, without realising they are overstepping the mark.

There has to be a middle ground where people know they are appreciated and able to share their experience, but where you can learn and become independent. Also, there might be an element, as you and your baby's father are no longer together, that members of each family get slightly worried the other "side" is getting more involved with your child.

If separated parents can collaborate and agree on their children's upbringing, this can act as a clue to their extended families so that, where possible, both sides of the family can be a support and a presence in that child's life. Trying to get along for a child's sake is not always easy but can make a big difference.

Pauline Nimmo is a registered family mediator and contact centre manager at Relationships Scotland Family Mediation, South Lanarkshire (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

This article was first published in Scotland On Sunday, 20 March, 2011