Pauline Nimmo on family outsiders

My first husband and I divorced six years ago and he moved to Germany. The children were only two and five, so the adjustment wasn't too hard. I more or less brought them up on their own, with lots of support from my parents, who live nearby.

Recently, though, their father has remarried, has a baby daughter and wants to take up his relationship with our children again. I can't see the point - what importance would his new family have in their lives?

This situation is difficult, but common. I imagine that after you divorced, you spent a lot of time putting your life back together. It's understandable that you want to keep the family unit you describe intact for the sake of your children.

I wonder if their adjustment has been harder than you realise and they may miss their dad at times? Try to think about how this would affect them and if the reestablishing of contact is beneficial for them, despite your understandable reservations.

It's important for the children to express how they feel. You ask how important your husband's new family will be in your children's lives and that is a valid question.

The answer is not straightforward. It may be better to give all the children involved the chance to have some contact and your children to have some contact with their dad. In future they may look back and thank you for putting them first. They could speak by phone or internet to begin with, which could help with any uncertainty you're feeling at the beginning of such a change in your lives.

Best friends

Our daughter started high school last year and had a tough time with bullies. She had enjoyed primary and was a popular and gregarious child.

She has taken up with a different crowd now - they're very precocious girls, obsessed with boys, make-up and clothes. One girl seems to be in our house all the time.

She is loud and opinionated and dominates our daughter. While she is never exactly rude to us, she makes explicitly sexual comments in front of us, about a celebrity on television or even someone who visits the house.

Our nine-year-old son seems embarrassed but I think he is secretly intrigued. I have talked to our daughter about this girl and she becomes very defiant - she's her best friend, she says, and we have no right to dictate who she sees.

It sounds as if your daughter's choice of friends could be an "if you can't beat them join them" response to being bullied.

It is very important for children this age to fit in and test their wings. She may be finding the transition between schools hard.

These other girls' obsession with make-up, boys and clothes is common but can be quite alarming. The behaviour of her best friend is more concerning. This behaviour may be tolerated and accepted in her own home or she may even be mirroring the behaviour of an adult she knows. Explain to your daughter that it's having an effect on her brother as this may be more likely to make an impact rather than you not liking it. Your son's reaction is a natural one but you need to demonstrate that kind of behaviour is inappropriate.

This girl sounds as if she is craving attention. Ask your daughter what she knows about her friend's home life in case there is genuine concern. If there appears so, speak to the school in confidence.

It is important to strike a balance between ignoring the normal aspects of your daughter's "rebellion" and letting her know you will not tolerate inappropriate behaviour or talk from her or her friends.

Pauline Nimmo is a registered family mediator at Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

This article was first published in Scotland On Sunday, 17 April, 2011