My first car: Gary Delaney, comedian

I didn’t learn to drive until my thirties, when I needed to get to gigs. I went from not driving at all to 60,000 miles a year.

My first car was a Renault Clio. I called her Alyson (I name all my cars) after Alyson Hannigan, as she was small, red and beautiful. The first time I ever went on the motorway, my brakes failed for no observable reason. I managed to stop safely on the hard shoulder but there were still massive skidmarks. That’s on the pants, not the road. This happened three more times over the next year.

She was a comic’s car so this meant she got slept in from time to time, not in a sexy way, but more in a “can’t afford a hotel” way. Due to my massive mileage I’ve never sold a car on. When they become too unreliable to run they go for scrap. When the undertaker finally collected Alyson (brought low by electrical faults), he didn’t want to offer me any money for her, but I managed to haggle him up to £30 by pointing out she still had half a tank of diesel. «

• Gary Delaney is a comedian. He plays the Stand Comedy Club, Edinburgh, on 8 May. www.garydelaney.com