Louisa Pearson: 'The Green Party don't have a candidate in my ward. If only they'd thought to approach me'

THERMOMETERS at the ready. In the absence of a medical one, I've had to opt for the garden variety. Luckily it's a simple plastic affair rather than a decorative one with sculpted flowers and garden implements painted on it. There's clearly no way I'm putting it in my mouth, so it's under my armpit. According to the NHS, it should remain here for five minutes and 0.5°C should be added to get a more accurate reading.

Are you doing the same at home? I hope so, because what we're trying to assess is whether or not 'election fever' is gripping the nation.

My reading shows 34.5C. A normal temperature ranges from 36.5C to 37.2C. Either I've got hypothermia or else I got bored before the five minutes were up.

This is disappointing because the premise of this column is that we are experiencing a carnivalesque sense of excitement in anticipation of polling day.

I'm talking about samba drums, sequinned bikinis, mojitos, beads of sweat on toned tummies and politicians in sharp suits trying to schmooze us for votes.

Instead, I seem to be lapsing into political and physical numbness. Looking at the small pile of worthy-but-dull party leaflets in front of me, this is perhaps understandable.

What's missing from my pile is a Scottish Green Party leaflet. At first I thought the Greens must have decided against leaflets in a bid to save trees.

Then I found out that they don't have a candidate in Berwickshire, Roxburgh and Selkirk. If only they had thought to approach the Green Goddess – my only ethical problem would have been comuting to Westminster.

In light of this missed opportunity, let's get up to speed with what the various parties are pledging in terms of the environment.

Conservative aims include generating 15 per cent of UK energy from renewables by 2020; and encouraging a national recharging network for electric and hybrid vehicles.

Labour targets promise 15 per cent of energy from renewables, as above; creating 400,000 new green jobs by 2015; and banning bio-degradable and recyclable materials from landfill.

At the Lib Dem camp, plans include setting a target for 40 per cent of UK electricity to come from "clean, non-carbon-emitting sources" by 2020; directing 400 million of investment towards converting shipyards so that they can make wind turbines; and taxing domestic flights to encourage rail travel.

Elsewhere, the SNP wants to create 60,000 new green energy jobs in Scotland in the next decade; and ensure that Scotland is included in the first phase of plans for high-speed rail.

The Scottish Green Party's manifesto describes a low-carbon, low-waste, caring, sharing world I'd like to live in, one where the railway network is renationalised; habitats and biodiversity are protected; and sustainable agriculture is supported.

When Thursday comes, where to mark my cross? When I think of the Tories, the word "sleekit" inexplicably pops into my head. The Nats? They might have fun in a hung parliament, I suppose.

Labour? Labour? Oh sorry, I must have fallen asleep. Lib Dems? Well, I shook Nick Clegg's hand once, and the overwhelming impression was a nice whiff of fabric softener – perhaps not enough to base a vote on. As for the Greens, without a local candidate, I can't, even if I want to. I think I need a mojito in the sunshine to get my temperature up, then I'll read through the leaflets one last time.

• This article was first published in The Scotland on Sunday, May 2, 2010