Lifelines: Quality time for couples

MANY couples struggle to find time for each other. Men and women complain in equal measure that they are not spending enough time together. In today's demanding world, where work hours are long and relatives, children and the house all need attention, spending time with your partner can end up being last on the to-do list, squeezed in somewhere between watching the football match, putting the children to bed and washing the dishes.
By The Newsroom
Published 9th May 2010, 13:56 BST
Updated 9th May 2010, 15:06 BST

Many couples find that, when time is short, their relationship gets little attention, leaving some partners feeling neglected and unloved. As a psychotherapist I see, all too frequently, the fall-out when relationships are not given enough attention and time. Couples start drifting apart, anger and resentment build up and eventually they begin to feel like strangers.

WORK WOES

My partner's life is so full with his work, sport and spending time with his mates, that there is no time for us. Please help.

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Rose and Brian (false names) came for counselling because Rose was feeling angry and resentful of what she called Brian's bachelor lifestyle. When they got married, Rose thought Brian would ease off his sports and time spent with his mates to make time for her. Then, with their first wedding anniversary looming, Rose was feeling hurt and scared that her marriage was doomed. Brian came to see he was neglecting Rose and how vital it was to put energy and time into his marriage, just like he put energy into other things he loved. He had grown up watching his father neglect his mother and hadn't realised how his mother had suffered. He didn't want the same for his marriage. They committed to an evening together each week, regardless of other demands.

PERSONALITY CLASH

My girlfriend is extremely shy and I'm very outgoing. What do we do?

Maybe your girlfriend doesn't need other people as much as you do. Different personality types require different amounts of interaction with other people. Some find it draining, others energising. Try to understand why your girlfriend is struggling with being herself when she is with others, especially her friends. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can be helpful in raising self-esteem and understanding what someone is thinking and feeling in social situations, what helps someone enjoy a night out or cancel and stay at home.

FAMILY FRICTION

My husband refuses to visit my elderly mother, whom I love dearly.

Jim and Kerry (false names) came to me because Kerry was feeling hurt that Jim didn't want to visit her elderly mother in her nursing home. Kerry had always had a good relationship with her mother and couldn't understand why Jim was so distant. As we talked, we discovered that Jim was fearful of going into nursing homes. He hadn't told Kerry because he felt embarrassed about it. As soon as Jim admitted his feelings, the tension between them evaporated. Kerry visibly softened towards Jim and they started to talk about how they both felt and what they felt was best for everyone. Jim and Kerry are a wonderful example of how couples are more able to find positive solutions when they know what they are each feeling.

Rosjke Hasseldine is author of The Silent Female Scream , director of Women's Power Circles and a psychotherapist. See www.womenspower circles.com and www.thesilentfemalescream.com

• This article was first published in the Scotland on Sunday, May 9, 2010