Lifelines: Pauline Nimmo on step-families

I have been married for two years to a wonderful man. We met when he had just separated from his first wife and fell in love very quickly. The problem is with his children. Anna (not their real names) is 13 and Ben is 11. They spend every second weekend and four weeks of holiday time with us, and I have come to dread it. Anna has made it clear she will never accept me. Ben ignores almost everything I say. I have tried hard to get along with them but am beginning to think I should just visit my mother every other weekend. My husband is supportive, but keen not to upset the children.

It is not always easy when families are brought together in this way. The children sound like they are still adjusting to a situation that has likely come about after a difficult time. You say your husband and you got together soon after his separation; this may still be raw for the children - and, indeed, their mother, who they may feel protective towards. It may be time to stop trying so hard and let them come round in their own time. You can still let them know you are open to talk and are there for them. It may help to explain to your husband that you do not want to upset the children, but are thinking of removing yourself from the situation, though this may only put off something that has to be dealt with in the future. Perhaps your husband should talk to the children about their fears. They may be afraid of losing their dad to you or that you are replacing their mum. I suspect time and patience may be a factor here and that the children will realise you love their dad and will be in his life and therefore theirs as well.

I FEEL LEFT OUT

My four-year-old son is being brought up by another man and I am feeling completely crushed. My partner left me not long after my son was born. At the time I was very low and struggling with alcohol addiction. I am much better now and my ex-partner has agreed to me seeing my son once a week. He will not call me Daddy but does call his step-father Dad, which really hurts. He often is reluctant to come with me, even though his mum reassures him. Is he still too young to understand or have I ruined my chances of ever being his dad by not being around enough?

There is no right or wrong in this situation, but with careful thought to your son's feelings and needs it can become a positive one. Try not to look to the mistakes of the past, but to the fact that you are seeing your son again and can start afresh. The fact that he is reluctant to see you could be him picking up on the unease you are feeling. He may be feeling caught between both you and his mum's partner. When parents separate, yes, they do move on and other people can become involved in your child's life. You express a wish to be called Daddy and that your son's step- father is called Dad. Possibly in time your son will be able to say that he has a dad and a daddy. This is not uncommon. The most important thing is that all this is explained to him in an age-appropriate way and that it has the input of all his parents. A child with meaningful and healthy relationships with two fathers is in a good position, much better than a child who feels torn between them. You may wish to seek mediation, where the three adults can discuss this. You, and I imagine his step-dad, may both have to compromise and accept each other in order that your son can do the same.

• Pauline Nimmo is a registered family mediator and contact centre manager at Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

This article was originally published in Scotland on Sunday on August 7.