Lifelines: My partner had an affair | My wife can't stop spending money

I live with a man I love very much. I was devastated to discover he was having an affair just before Christmas, although I had been suspicious for months.

It was a terrible time but he begged me for one more chance and I agreed. The new year was our new start. However, I am plagued by thoughts that he is still seeing her, which he denies. He is lavishing me with attention and gifts and I can see he is sorry. But this doesn't help. Because I love him I thought it would be easy to forgive him. We really want to work through this but can't seem to.

It may be best if you both make your new start from the position of acknowledging that the trust you had built up through the length of your relationship has been significantly depleted. It can sometimes be helpful to imagine this as a glass of trust which is now smashed and needs replaced. Your partner is trying to make this happen by being attentive and lavishing gifts on you. I suspect, though, that this may be more about fulfilling his need to ease his feelings of guilt and could actually clash with your need to have your suspicions relieved, making it hard for you to move on. To replace the glass with trust you both need to identify areas where you can find evidence that he has been trustworthy. Think of the times you are suspicious and consider together what he can do to reassure you, other than with words. This is only for an initial period, and is not a long-term basis for a healthy relationship, but can be the start of building trust between you again. Then work towards sharing any ideas you may have for improving and generally changing your relationship. Many couples visit a couple counsellor to help with this process. Those who manage to keep communicating their feelings and their needs together, however difficult, speak of achieving a deeper relationship, with greater understanding of each other.

Money trouble

My wife can't resist spending every spare penny we earn. We have well paid jobs and no children so could be quite secure and enjoy the best life has to offer. But we're mortgaged to the hilt and struggling to cope. My wife insists on having two expensive holidays a year and every time she goes shopping buys more outfits on credit. I have tried to get her to agree a spending level but she never sticks to it. It is affecting our relationship and I am not sure how much longer I can stay living with her and this situation.

A critical part of the health of any relationship is the ability to share resources fairly. This is about establishing basic trust and can lead to the building of security. It sounds as though you and your wife have been raised with very different attitudes and values. Money can be a way of measuring how we value ourselves. Are we too scared to share it? Or do we give it away recklessly? Some people like to save for a rainy day while others live for the moment. It may be useful to examine both you and your wife's values in this area. If all your discussions about spending and saving continue to end in an argument, or in agreement that isn't acted on and upheld, it may be useful to get some counselling. Having a counsellor oversee your conversations will make it easier for you to understand some of the underlying needs you both have that are being overlooked. Understanding these needs could lead to new levels of communication between you and may help you plan a nest egg together as well as enjoying the fruits of your labours in the here and now.

• Wendy Brown is an adult and children's counsellor and supervisor with Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-Scotland.org.uk)

• This article was first published in the Scotland on Sunday on 10/04/2011