Lifelines: May Chamberlain on domestic abuse

ONE in four women in Scotland have admitted to living with domestic abuse, and increasingly more men are coming forward to admit they are being abused by their partners too.

Violence can happen in all relationships, and abuse can take many forms, including verbal aggression, emotional and psychological abuse or excessive control. Then there are the children who are abused, either sexually, through neglect or violence. They can suffer long-term mental and emotional damage, and may go on to become violent in their own adult relationships.

Some people do not recognise or are unwilling to acknowledge they are being abused. Some feel shame and are adept at making excuses for the abuse, while their partners are skilled at minimising its importance, at the same time as promising it "will never happen again". In all cases it has to be treated as unacceptable.

If anyone reading this is a victim of domestic abuse and needs support there are plenty of organisations to turn to. The police's domestic violence unit should be made aware of your situation, as well as your GP, social service department and health visitor. If you aren't ready to take this step, other services can help, including Women's Aid, Refuge and Parentline. You don't have to live with this alone. n

LIVING IN FEAR

I have been married for ten years and live in constant fear of my husband, particularly when he has been drinking. He is verbally abusive and has hit me regularly. My children have witnessed most of the incidents and have also been hit on occasion. I cannot see a way out and feel suicidal at times.

Violence is often fuelled by alcohol or drug abuse but you and your children do not have to live like this. Witnessing the abuse will have an effect on them too. Counsellors see people in adulthood who have had a very insecure upbringing and are not equipped to deal with their own relationship difficulties, so the behaviour becomes generational.

First you should visit your GP to address your suicidal feelings. They will assess your situation and that of your children and advise you on keeping safe. Women's Aid will also help you make choices once you are stronger.

POSSESSIVE STREAK

My husband is very popular, a great father and I adore him. I recently went back to work and at first he was fine but now he insists on taking me and picking me up and will not let me go on nights out. He wants to know where I am at every moment. I don't know what to do and don't understand it.

He is obviously feeling very insecure at your new-found independence. Try to talk to him calmly about how you feel and suggest couple counselling to work through these issues.

THREAT OF VIOLENCE

I am 19 and when I first went out with my boyfriend, he was quite possessive and I was flattered that he cared so much. A year on, his jealousy is suffocating.

• This article was first published in the Scotland on Sunday on January 16, 2011 But when I told him I wanted to end it, he said he'd never let me go and would make sure no one else would want me either. He scared me. What should I do?

He is trying to coerce you into staying with him by being threatening. This is very concerning and should be taken seriously if you are frightened by it. You are very young to be dealing with this on your own and you should confide in your family and friends. Contact the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone helpline on 0808 2000 247; www.womensaid.org.uk; www.refuge.org.uk

May Chamberlain is a relationship counsellor and sexual relationships therapist with Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)