Lifelines: Helen Weston on moving home

We have had to downsize because we could no longer afford the mortgage on our house - I lost my job and my husband had his hours cut.

We are in a much rougher area and I don't feel safe. I have arranged for the local supermarket to deliver, so I don't have to go out myself but I still feel very anxious in case people come to the door. I don't sleep properly either and keep worrying about whether I have turned everything off when I go to bed.

I can see you are feeling very insecure at the moment and you have good reason, as it sounds as if you have had to cope with a lot of traumatic changes. It is hard enough losing your home but moving to a new area also means the loss of the support networks you have built up. On top of this you have the loss of your job and colleagues and friends there. You have also had to contend with financial loss. It is important to acknowledge all this and give yourself time to recover.

Hibernation may well be what you need, but it's important not to cut yourself off from human contact or you might become a little agoraphobic. Until you feel more at ease, it might be a good idea to invite old friends round to help you sort out the house and accompany you on visits to the local shops or library where you can meet people. Register with your GP and mention to them that you're anxious and having trouble sleeping. There are good herbal remedies for short-term sleep problems.

Finally, it is important you and your husband talk about the situation and share your anxieties. Big changes can bring a couple closer or drive a wedge between them. Time set aside to listen to each other's concerns can give each of you the sense that you are not alone.

HOME AND AWAY

My husband is a botanist and is often away from home on field trips. He has just been offered a research project that would take him away for a whole year to South America. It is an amazing chance and I know he is desperate to do it, but says he will only go if I go too. We don't have any children yet and I could take a sabbatical from work. But we would be travelling a lot, sometimes to very remote places, and I don't really know what the conditions will be like. Why do I feel so reluctant to take this adventure?

The two of you want very different things at this point. Do you follow your husband's dreams, as women would have done a century ago, or do you both acknowledge that your dreams are different?

Clearly relationships can survive - even thrive on - distance, so maybe you can craft a solution that involves you establishing a secure base at home from which your husband can come and go. If it works for the two of you, that's all that matters. Perhaps you could have a three-month sabbatical in the middle and go and stay with him then?

Helen Weston is head of professional practice with Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

MOVING can be a time that is full of excitement and hope. It can also feel like a diminishment or even a humiliation if it is forced upon us. Either way it rates high on the trauma scale - up there with divorce and death. It is easy to understand why. Human beings need a secure base to be able to function successfully. Our home is our bolthole and we weave around it all the routines we need to feel safe and comfortable - take it all away and we become lost, if only temporarily. As we seek to re-establish a safe place for ourselves and our families, we all experience some degree of disorientation. The best thing is to try and pace yourself and, if anxiety persists, consult your GP or think about counselling.

• This article was first published in the Scotland on Sunday on March 27, 2011