Lifelines: Helen Weston on baby blues

HAVING a baby seems such a positive thing - nobody warns you about the exhaustion or the primitive feelings it stirs up. Everybody has to shift to accommodate the new arrival and for some this is too painful.

Old feelings of exclusion are reactivated: partners have affairs, mothers get depressed, children feel pushed out. You may be one of the lucky ones, blissfully breastfeeding your baby with a protective partner in the background to fend off all intrusions, but for most people it brings up powerful feelings of exclusion, rage and inadequacy - as well as bliss. Expect a bumpy ride and look out for the signs. Don't be afraid to ask for help from those around you to find your way through.

BABY BABBLE

My dad and new step-mum are having a baby. They don't talk about anything else. I am supposed to be doing my Highers next year but I want to leave school. I can't tell my mum as she is still screwed up about Dad leaving and is set on me being a doctor. What shall I do?

First, I think you need to talk to your mum and tell her you don't want to be a doctor. If you know what you would like to study instead, ask her to help you talk to the school about changing subjects. You need to find your own path. I suspect the underlying problem is how your dad seems to be ignoring you and concentrating on his new family. It's possible he has no idea how left out you feel. Tell him. If you walk away he will never know.

PREGNANT PAUSE

We have been married for four years and our baby daughter is two weeks old. I have just found out that my husband has been having an affair for the last six months and is still seeing his lover. I thought he was being protective when he didn't want to have sex with me while I was pregnant but now he says my body disgusted him. There doesn't seem anywhere to go from here.

I wonder if your husband is feeling resentful about the baby and lashing out because he feels trapped. Was it a joint decision to have a family or did it just happen? I think it would help if you see a relationship counsellor so you can sort out what is behind his behaviour. It may be that he needs reassurance he is still special to you and if you can each appreciate what the other has been feeling perhaps trust can be built up again. Otherwise you are probably better off without him, I'm afraid.

POISON IVF?

We have been having IVF treatment for five years without success and have no savings left. My partner wants to remortgage our house to pay for another round of treatment but I think we have to accept it is not going to happen. How do I tell her? She might leave me to find somebody who can give her the child I can't.

In some people the maternal instinct is so powerful they cannot imagine any other life for themselves. I am sorry your partner is one of those who feels it so keenly, but it is important for her to see the effect it is having on you and what she might lose if she persists in this course of action. It is almost as if her gaze is fixed on the distance and something has to break it. Could you suggest a rest from the treatment and a long holiday somewhere so different that she is jolted out of her fixed perspective? What she is experiencing is a form of grief and it won't go away until she is able to accept the loss of the family she dreamed of.

Helen Weston is head of professional practice with Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk).