Lifelines: Cynthia MacGregor on single-parenting

These are on top of all the normal parenting pressures. To top it off, a single parent has no spouse to give them practical help or emotional support when the going gets tough. So what do you do? Most parenting books, columns and articles don't address problems unique to single parents, and there are plenty of them.

They start the moment the parents tell the children a separation is coming and range from the mundane to the heart-wrenching. The questions here come from letters received in response to my books on the subject and my website – www.thesoloparent.com.

Whenever the kids visit my ex-husband, he interrogates them about what's going on at home: what I'm spending money on, male visitors, etc. My daughter says he makes my son feel important for all the information he hands over, though she is uncomfortable with it all. I don't like him knowing everything that happens at home.

Talk with your children about privacy and your rights. Explain that while their dad is still their father, he is no longer your husband and is not entitled to know everything you do. Explain that he is wrong to ask these questions, and that they are violating your privacy if they answer.

Tell them it's not disrespectful to deflect such questions by sugegsting he ask you himself if he wants to know about you. And make sure you're not doing it too.

When they return from a visit, your questions should not venture far beyond, "Is Dad well?" and "What did you do this weekend?" Then you need to have a talk with your ex. Be firm, but non-confrontational. Tell him your daughter is uncomfortable with the questions, your son is being put in a bad position and that you object, as would he if you asked the children questions about him.

I'm a young widow. My son's paternal grandmother, thinking she's being reassuring, told me that if anything happened to me she would take care of him. She means well, but her values and views on child-rearing are so different from mine that I shudder at the prospect.

Who would you like to have raise your son in case of such an event? Your parents? A close friend? A sibling? Have you talked to them? Are they agreeable? Make sure you have a plan in place, then get a lawyer to draw up papers. You can make your wishes known in your will, but a separate paper is more legally binding. To keep the peace with your mother-in-law, don't tell her about your arrangements and thank her when she 'reassures' you.

I'm divorced and can rarely afford a sitter. Yet, being solely in charge of the kids, I need to get out now and again. I haven't started dating, but when I do I'll need a sitter even more. I've no family nearby to watch the kids for me.

Try cooperative sitting. It's a trade-off: you watch someone's kids for free one evening, and they watch yours another time in return. While other single parents are your likeliest prospects, couples also appreciate free babysitting. We're all on tight budgets

This article was first published in The Scotland on Sunday, May 2, 2010