Lifelines: Anne Chilton on jealousy

My older sister's boyfriend has made it clear he fancies me. My sister says he isn't 'the one' for her but is seeing him until someone else comes along. Should I make a move?

The first thing to consider here is do you actually fancy him? Or is it the chance to win him away from your sister that appeals? In this little triangle no one is being honest about what they want and jealousy can really get a hold. The boyfriend is not being true to your sister if he is indicating that he fancies you. Is he trying to make her jealous? She isn't being clear with him that she is just waiting for someone better; is she scared of being alone? And you are considering stepping into the middle of this? If he really wants to be with you, suggest he ends his relationship with your sister and if you still feel the same about him and start a relationship, you know it's about wanting that relationship and not about anything else.

Old wounds I'm just starting a new relationship but past relationships have ended because of my possessiveness and I'm worried this may go the same way. My parents split up when I was 13 and I didn't see my dad for years.

The seeds of our adult relationships are planted throughout our lives. As children we make sense of how they work from how others are in relation to us and the relationships we see. You have already made a link about your relationships with men and your dad leaving when you were 13. At that age losing anyone significant can leave an emotional scar that can be activated in later relationships. As a child you were hurt when he left so now you fear others will leave you too; your fear makes you anxious so you try to make yourself feel less fearful by holding the person close. Identifying the cause of your possessiveness is a good first step and this is the sort of situation that could be helped by counselling, to see how earlier pain impacts on current relationships so you can deal with it better.

Restricted Lives

I have been with my partner for 15 years; she is a very attractive woman. The problem I have is that she flirts when we're out and it drives me crazy. If we go out it usually ends up in a row.

The key words here seem to be that you have the problem. You don't say if you have any grounds to suspect she might take things further in her flirting. Has she ever? If not, maybe it's the attention she enjoys and being free to do as she pleases. Do you ever flirt with her? It sounds as if there might be underlying unspoken anxieties and concerns between you that may benefit from couple counselling.

Anne Chilton is a consultant in professional practice at Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

• Jealousy can come into relationships in all sorts of guises. Whether it's about someone having something or someone we desire, or the feeling of possessiveness about something we fear we might lose; it carries with it the potential to be destructive. It can gnaw away at our feelings and thoughts leading us to act in ways we don't want to, but feel powerless to stop. Jealousy though, like most feelings, doesn't exist in isolation, there is usually some other feeling or issue underneath that we don't want to experience; a feeling that we fear more; like our fear or anxiety of losing someone or something we love; or that we might be excluded or left behind somehow. In order to avoid these other "hidden" feelings we cling on, hoping that by doing so we won't have to experience the feared feelings. We need to understand what feeds and drives our jealousy if we are to deal with it; counselling can help identify these underlying issues.

• This article was first published in the Scotland on Sunday on November 7, 2010