Lifelines: Anne Chilton on In-laws

MORE SPACE

We had our little boy eight months ago, and he's the first grandchild on my partner's side, the third on mine. My partner's parents have taken to visiting every day; they say they are giving me time to myself, but I want to spend time with my son. I always looked forward to seeing them every few weeks before, but now I need a little space. How can I explain this to them?

The birth of a baby brings a great deal of change. To be able to successfully navigate these changes, we need to be honest with each other. This doesn't mean steaming in and letting your in-laws know exactly what you think of them, but it does mean communicating with them in a positive way.

Instead of allowing yourself to get resentful, why not sit down with them and let them know how much you value their role in your son's life. Explain how much you appreciate the support they gave you when you needed it, but that it is important to you that life gets back to normal as much as it can. Remember that things have changed for them too, and they might appreciate you letting them know it is acceptable for them to step back a little. By agreeing regular visiting times – perhaps once or twice a week, at the weekend, whatever works for both of you – they can be reassured that they will have regular contact and it will be appreciated.

TWO SIDES

I married my husband last year in what was a dream wedding for both of us. The only thing that spoiled our day was his mother's constant criticism of our plans or, in reality, my plans, as my husband took a bit of a back seat in the arrangements. Now, her criticisms have turned to other areas of our life; how I decorate, how often I clean, where we want to live. I want to have a good relationship with my in-laws, but feel defensive around them. To make matters worse, my husband often sides with them over me.

It sounds as though your family is being divided into two; you on one side and your partner and his parents on the other. At first glance, when people have a problem with their in-laws, the solution is often to set clearer boundaries. But if we look deeper, these difficulties are sometimes more about where we feel we are in our partner's affections. Perhaps we also feel our partner should support and defend us against their parents' criticisms.

Your partner's mother might think she is being helpful, and she might not understand you view her negative feedback as criticism. Whether it is intentional or not, your relationship with your partner has to be at the root of any solution. If he is able to show his parents he supports you, the impact of what his mother has to say will be minimised.

Of course, there will be times when he does not agree with you, but by waiting to explain his problem with a particular issue until you are alone, it will avoid the possibility of dragging his parents into your decision-making, as well as the possibility of you feeling isolated.

Your husband might like to take a back seat in decision making but he needs to let his parents know he is happy with his life. Now is the time to let his mother know he is a grown-up capable of making his own decisions.

Anne Chilton is a consultant in professional practice at Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-Scotland.org.uk)

This article was first published in Scotland On Sunday, 27 February, 2011