Lifelines: Anne Chilton on being a carer

The last one of these is the role none of us ever really thinks we will become. We don't always take on or recognise the changes caring brings to our lives; we look at the changes that have happened for the person we care for but often neglect to consider the impact it has on us and our relationships. Being a carer isn't something we usually plan for, but it can happen at any time. Sometimes it creeps up on us, like when our parents grow older and less able; sometimes it comes upon us suddenly through illness, accident or disability. Whichever way it comes into our lives, it causes changes we have to recognise and deal with. Some take to it readily; for others it becomes an unwieldy burden and something they resent. For all, it has to be fitted into already busy lives.

My parents, both in their late 70s, are less able than they used to be and as they live a three-hour drive away, I would like them to move in with us. My wife is less enthusiastic and it is causing tension between us.

Is this something either of you planned for? Have you talked about what you both really want for your future together? Taking your parents to live with you now is a major undertaking; they could well be with you for another 20 years.

You don't say if they want to move; they may have a good support network where they are. Arranging more help in their home might be more appropriate. However, you and your partner need to talk about and consider what you both want and feel you can offer your parents. Talk about your fears and anxieties; look at the things that might be possible to support them and talk to your parents. Let them be involved in the decisions about how they live.

crying inside

My wife has had a long-term illness that has gradually got worse over the 30 years of our marriage. Now I am finding it more difficult to cope. All I can see is my life being taken over by her illness. People are always telling me what a great job I do but inside all I want to do is run away.

First and foremost you are your wife's partner and this is the part that seems to have been lost. All you see now is that you are her carer. This is often the hidden cost of this role; you lose the relationship you once had with the person you now care for. I wonder how your wife feels about losing you as well? Have you been able to talk with her about how you feel; about you two as a couple and how you can hold on to that? You might like to consider getting some support for yourself; think about seeing a relationship counsellor.

Our three-year-old son is disabled, but my partner has never really accepted it and it is causing rows between us. I want to tackle it head-on and plan for his future but he insists our son will "catch up".

When we first learn we are having a child we start to make plans, even before they are born. Then they arrive and our hopes and dreams change and come more into line with reality. For you, those hopes and dreams have had to change quickly. But it sounds as though your partner is still holding on to them. The difficulty is that you are in danger of moving further apart. Working through these losses with a counsellor could help you find a way back together and new dreams for you and your son.

Anne Chilton is a consultant in professional practice at Relationships Scotland

www.relationships-scotland.org.uk

• This article was first published in the Scotland on Sunday on September 26, 2010