Lifelines: Anne Chilton on little irritations

Sometimes it's the little irritations that cause us the biggest problems. Things like who puts the rubbish out or squeezing the toothpaste in the middle rather than from the end.

In our calmer moments, we know it's irrational to get so het up over, what we would agree are small things but somehow we can't help ourselves. The real problem though is that once we get started on the little things it leads us straight into bigger things and suddenly we find ourselves in the middle of a row, not just about the rubbish, but about the other things that have irritated us over the years and have never been resolved.

The thing about all of the little things is that often they don't matter that much, and what we are in fact arguing about is that the other person isn't doing things in the way we would. Rowing because one of you squeezes the toothpaste in the middle and one from the end is more about doing things differently, not about being right or wrong. Tolerating and valuing the ways in which our loved ones do things is a skill that we neglect at the peril of our closest relationships. n

LONG SULKS

My partner and I generally get on really well and are thinking of getting married. However, we fall out over small things and can sulk for several days. The last time was about how he puts the milk carton back in the fridge when it's nearly empty. I think there is some left then find there isn't and it drives me mad.

This is less about the milk and more about the fact he hasn't considered that you might need some, or that he took what he needed and left nothing for you. If we take it a step further it takes us into areas about who gets what. It is normal to feel irritated if we feel someone has what was rightly ours. Relationships are about helping each other to get what we need and if we feel those needs are not being met we can feel aggrieved. But if we focus on the milk and don't look at what the irritation represents then problems can arise. You might consider seeing a counsellor to talk more about how you both want your relationship to be. Couple Counselling isn't just for relationships in difficulties; seeing a counsellor can sort out minor things before they build up into bigger difficulties.

PHONE CALLS

My elderly parents expect me to phone every week, on a Sunday at 7pm. If I say I can't call, say if I am going out, then they get a bit huffy and say they ask for so little from me. It drives me mad as I end up feeling so guilty.

Who started this arrangement? Was it you because it fitted with your life or was it their choice. This is about who is in 'charge' in this relationship. Sadly, the main issue is about time and little to do with being in contact and taking an interest in each other. Next time you phone, suggest you all decide on a range of times to call; times that suit you as well as the occasional 7pm Sunday slot. If they really want to be in touch they will adapt.You need to say what suits and allow some of what they want too. You all need to compromise, so you get some of what you want.

TAKING OVER

My partner leaves piles of papers all round the house. She works from home and I feel her work is taking over.

With more of us working from home the boundary is becoming less clear. It sounds like you are feeling you have to almost claim your space and fight off the sea of files and paper from her work. Home is generally a place we go to get away from work. I wonder if you have talked to your partner about where the boundaries are for her between work and home. Does she have a clear space within the home that's just for work? Maybe she does not realise how invasive you are finding her things. Working together to identify her work space and your shared personal areas within the home could be a start.

• Anne Chilton is a consultant in professional practice at Relationships Scotland. (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)