Judi James on... confidence

THERE are three key facts I have learned about confidence: firstly, like money and sex, everyone wants more. Secondly, the display of confidence is a big fat lie. The world is divided between those who show their anxieties and those who mask them. The third fact is that few people understand self-confidence, but diagnosing the type of anxiety suffered from is as important as working out a cure. Shyness, anxiety and performance nerves are not the same thing.

I've worked with people who can act their socks off in front of a camera but can't meet your gaze off-screen. I've met politicians who can handle cabinet departments but whose nails are chewed to the quick. It's ridiculous to be confident about something you have no experience

in and natural to be anxious in a room of strangers. To overcome your nerves the secret is to re-programme your body language and re-script your brain.

Figure of Fun

For most of my life I have been with people who have put me down. I come from a family where teasing is the norm but while my beautiful and high-achieving siblings shook it off, I absorbed criticism. Unfortunately I married a man who tends to be over-critical too. How can I get him to give me the support I need?

Your "beautiful and high-achieving" siblings probably feel the same. Like you, they probably masked their pain and now secretly exist in a state of awe over your career and marriage.

I'm not surprised you settled for a man with similar tendencies. Childhood behaviour patterns are very hard to break and his critical ways created a sense of comfort for you. Don't give him further power. If you don't sort out your self-esteem issues yourself, you'll always be controlled by those around you. You need to build up your ego like a muscle. What are you good at? (Don't ask others, think for yourself). List, then focus on them. And change your response to your husband's carping. What are you currently doing? Do something else. Laugh. Walk away. Ignore. (But don't copy, it will demean you.) When we change our own behaviour it's difficult for others to keep doing the same thing.

Shy Alert

I suffer from shyness and have a series of social events coming up, starting with a big wedding. I've thought about making an excuse to get out of it but know my husband would be gutted if I did.

You're looking at one simple problem that can be sorted easily and dragging in other emotional issues. You may be uncomfortable, but this is part of the process. Take a paper bag in your handbag and if you feel panicky go to the loo and breathe in and out, to avoid hyperventilation.

Make a great entrance, because walking in looking confident is vital to show others you're approachable.

Pull up to full height, roll your shoulders back and down and relax your facial expression so you smile with your eyes. Give a good, firm handshake with eye contact then use active listening signals like nodding and giving undivided attention. Use mirroring (subtly copying other people's body language, pace and signals) and avoid body barriers like folded arms, a wineglass held too high or a bag clutched in both hands. And work out some small-talk before you go.

Judi James is one of the UK's leading body language and behaviour experts. Her latest book is The Body Language Bible, available at www.judijames.com

• This article was first published in Scotland on Sunday on 23 May.