Jeremy Watson: 'A 21-year-old and an 18-year-old can only spell trouble'

So which forward planning genius came up with this one? It must have been around February 1992 when it happened. A chance liaison with my wife and in November along came Daughter No 2, three years after Daughter No 1. Not a problem at the time.

A three-year gap is an acceptable time period between siblings. The older one has the chance to play the role of loving elder, joyfully and resignedly looking after a younger, more precocious sibling.

The younger one has an exemplary role model; someone she can always trust will look out for her in times of need, who can provide affection and guidance in equal measure.

OK, they hate each other, mainly for stealing each other's clothes and make-up, but we'll gloss over that one.

A four-year-old and a one-year-old, that's fine. But a 21-year-old and an 18-year-old can only spell trouble. Both are significant birthdays and if they fall within the same year it means one thing - major expense.

Of course, my first thoughts were to fly each of them and all their friends club class to an exotic location where Rihanna or Lady Gaga would serenade them in a glittering show ending fireworks that spelled out their names.

Then again, I'm not sure an ostentatious display of wealth is the right message to be sending out as we enter the age of austerity.

Even the Queen has cancelled the annual Christmas knees-up at Buck Pal this year to fit in with the new mood of the country. Let's retreat for a moment to another austere age, the 1970s, when 18th birthdays were not really recognised except for a rite-of-passage trip to the pub, and 21sts were the opportunity for a family meal, but nothing too flash. Decent presents, perhaps, as a bonus, but nothing too extravagant.

Now it has to be a party for scores of friends in a hot venue, a new Mini to parade around town and a round-the-world air ticket for yet another trip of a lifetime. But with the age of austerity truly upon us, those options are no longer available either.

We have to cut our cloth. Your parties, like quangos, will be merged into one and held at the summit of the Pentland Hills to keep the numbers down.

Your presents, like the Glasgow Area Rail Link, will be cancelled until economic circumstances have improved. In every financial crisis, there are winners and losers; this time you are the losers. So that will be the speech I make should the (one) party ever take place. Think I'll get away with it?

This article was first published in Scotland On Sunday, 31 October, 2010