It's mums' turn to take centre stage

Miles on the clock: sadly, more than 40.

Hormones? Undoubtedly.

Those hormones are why dinner gets whipped off the table and angrily chucked in the bin because someone dared to suggest the charred offerings are a little inedible and that, no, extra tomato ketchup can't disguise the taste of burnt fish fingers.

They're why it's been known for the washing machine to be switched on for a full cycle wash without actually having any clothes in it.

And why watching Deal or No Deal – and come on, some of the contestants have really, really sad stories to tell on their way to winning that 1p – can make the old bottom lip quiver.

Indeed, it's hard to be a woman. If all that sounds familiar, do not fret. It simply means either you or someone very nearby is a fully paid-up member of the "hormonal housewife" club.

Now the rare highs and the multiple lows of being a middle-aged hormonal mum come to Edinburgh's Festival Theatre where writer and River City actress Julie Coombe unveils her take on all of us in Hormonal Housewives.

Starring alongside Carol Smillie and Scots theatre regular Shonagh Price, Hormonal Housewives is a rapid-fire, no holds barred, 'tell it like it really is' attack on the trials and tribulations of hitting middle-age hormone hell: covering everything from weight loss followed by the inevitable weight gain, stretch marks and violent mood swings, PMT and HRT, lots of chocolate, gallons of wine and, of course, those pesky men.

According to Smillie, the show is a Loose Women-style series of fun fictional sketches. "A woman's night out," she laughs.

Here we ask – very nicely, so they don't shout at us – three busy mums of a certain age what they have to complain about?

JULIE COOMBE

The 42-year-old actress is mum to Harrison, 14, and Leo, 11. She is married to John MacIsaac, co-writer of Hormonal Housewives. The family live in Davidsons Mains.

She says: "Imagine it's the Royal Variety Performance circa 1975, a guy comes on and starts to spin tons of plates on skinny sticks while his skinny assistant stands about looking good.

"What's wrong with that? I'll tell you: it's a man multi-tasking while a woman looks on! Everyone knows that in real life it's the complete opposite.

"I can do the spinning, but not with plates, I do it with kids, a husband, work, cooking, cleaning and my glamorous assistant rarely notices.

"You'd think that we'd be drowning in hormones while we're rehearsing Hormonal Housewives because not only are there three actresses, we have a female director and a female stage manager. But no, everything's been plain sailing.

"In fact, I go to work for a rest. Back home, washing has to be done, packed lunches have to made, dinners cooked.

"My gang offer help but what they don't realise is that often I'm the only one who can do it right. I've seen my poor husband hang out an entire washing only for me to go and re-hang it correctly.

"But even I don't always get it right – especially where the washing's concerned. I managed to send my son off to school with a pillow case in his gym kit instead of his T-shirt once.

"And I had a gym kit malfunction myself recently. I forgot to take clean pants and any trousers whatsoever to put on after my workout shower. I had to put the grotty workout ones back on. My top half was stylish and bottom half was stinky.

"Some people say that's not down to hormones but the result of having too much to do. I think it's both. I always have too much to do and if those cheeky wee hormones get in on the act, the game's a bogey. I've never met a hormone yet that makes you calm and rational. I don't get the ones that make grannies able to lift transit vans off toddlers; I get the ones that make you slam doors, bang drawers and say words that make Gordon Ramsay look like a big girl's blouse.

"One of the most stressful things about being a housewife, hormonal or not, is chauffeuring everyone around. I feel like I live in my car.

"Because of rehearsals, there's a 'hands off' approach to housework right now. The house looks like Hitler's bunker. So far I've not bitten anyone's head off. Maybe I'm not so hormonal after all."

LYNN McNICOLL,

The fundraiser, aged 53, has helped raise 600,000 for teenagers with cancer and recently launched her own It's Good 2 Give! charity for families affected by cancer. She lives in Craiglockhart with husband Iain.

She says: "I know all about those hormones. Yesterday I was at a meeting and had to excuse myself to nip to the loo for tissues because I was sweating so much. I thought I was going to faint, I was so hot.

"The hot flushes started fairly suddenly two years ago when I hit 50. It's made the last three months pure hell and I don't think I've had a full night's sleep since it all started.

"People honestly don't realise how many crap things are going on with your body when you hit the menopause.

"My husband is brilliant. He puts up with it all and doesn't complain.

"Even during that cold snap recently, when it was -8C and I insisted on having the bedroom windows wide open and sleeping without the duvet. He was lying in bed with his teeth chattering, frozen, and I was still saying I was too hot. I could take HRT but I just think that's postponing the inevitable. Better to just get on with it.

"I'm lucky, though, because I'm not really one for mood swings and I try to look on the bright side.

"I suppose you have to consider yourself fortunate to get to this stage – after four years' fundraising for teenagers with cancer, you learn to be grateful for what you've got.

"All this is inconvenient but it's not terrible.

"My stepchildren are grown up and the grandsons are teenagers now, so I don't have the same things to juggle as a lot of people. But I have to say the women I meet who are going through all that too do it with enormous sense of humour.

"You've got to laugh about it – imagine what it would be like if you couldn't."

JOJO SUTHERLAND,

The 44-year-old comedian juggles performing her comedy act at The Stand with being mum to Ruaridh, 19, Ciara, 16, Eilidh, 13, and Fynn, seven. She lives in South Queensferry with her partner Allan, 44.

She says: "I like to think I'm not hormonal, that very little bothers me and that I don't mind a bit of mess around the house.

"But there are certain times when those hormones must kick in because I'll come home and it's 'Oh my God! Look at the state of the house! Don't bother helping – I'll do it myself!'

"Then it's like being on speed, I go racing around the house, banging things and making a loud noise, getting it all done.

"I have a slightly mad life, though. I think I'm the only woman working on the comedy circuit who is doing it around three kids at home and one in the navy.

"I'm running between the orthodontist and the bank, the school plays and the Brownies and then I'm supposed to stand up and be funny – I don't think many of the men out there have that to cope with. Sometimes I get confused by it all and blurt out some really inappropriate joke while standing with the mums at the school playground.

"The hours mean I get tired between 4pm and 6pm when the dinner needs cooked and the homework gets done. Then after a gig, I get home at around 2am bouncing and full of adrenalin.

"My biggest problem is trying to remember where everyone is and remembering to pick them up from the right place. Fynn in particular has so much on. I've turned up at the Brownies before and realised that she's not there, she's at football training.

"At the moment me and my daughters' hormones seem to be working in sync – we're all grumpy at the same time.

"Pity my poor husband. He's surrounded by three hormonal females, and even the cat's female. He's got a great expression now – he just rolls his eyes, which means 'I'm not going to say a word, because I know whatever I say will be wrong.'"

Hormonal Housewives opens tonight at the Festival Theatre, Nicolson Street, and runs until Saturday. Tickets are 17.50-21.50, 0131-529 6000