Helen Weston on destructive behaviour

SOMETIMES relationships can get locked into destructive patterns, with warring partners condemned to repeat them.

It can be hard to understand what's going on without help, but a simple model from Transactional Analysis can often provide the key. Let me explain how this works.

Imagine each person has a parent, adult and child part to them and the parent of one can get locked into criticising the child of the other, who reacts defensively.

Tones of voice and body language trigger this 'transaction' until it becomes almost automatic, but it can be changed. The key is to become aware of when you are doing it and move into an adult response, or alternatively the nurturing side of parent or creative side of child.

Shopping addict

My wife is ruining our lives with her obsessive ordering of clothes and toys online. I've told her the effect it is having on our finances but she won't stop. Can you please publish this letter and sort her out.

I can't help wondering what tone of voice you use when you talk to your wife about her online purchases. I suspect you may be using a dismissive tone, which will only make her feel guilty and want to do it more. It may be that your wife has got into 'comfort buying', in much the same way as people do with eating, because she feels she has failed in your eyes. It might help if the two of you could work together and plan your budgets in advance. If your wife feels she is being treated as an equal she probably won't need to have guilty secrets from you. Notice how you talk to her in future and stop yourself if you hear a parental tone.

Being bullied

I am 84 and had hoped that moving in with my daughter and son-in-law would make things a bit easier. Instead, my life is a misery. I am forced to stay in my room except at meal times, then my grandchildren laugh at me for being so clumsy. My daughter even joins in sometimes. Is this right?

It certainly is not right and, if it became physical, it could be elder abuse, which is a punishable offence. I wonder if your daughter realises how she is talking to you and how much it upsets you. Does she have any reason to feel resentful? Could she be getting her own back for something in her childhood that remains unresolved - perhaps around strict table manners? We all carry wounds from when we were young, many of them inflicted quite unconsciously. Do you think the two of you could have an adult conversation when the rest of the family are out? Perhaps if you are able to talk woman to woman and not in parent-child mode, you could resolve things.

No sex plea

My husband and I have been married for ten years and sex has become so mechanical it is over in less than ten minutes. It almost seems as if he is ashamed and sometimes I wonder if he is gay. He is a minister, which may have something to do with it.

I suspect your husband's job may be a key factor. He may well have been brought up in a strict tradition where sex is a shameful necessity. If this is the case, he will see it as a weakness and will most certainly want it over as quickly as possible. He may also hate himself for needing it and you for wanting it. What comes over in your letter is someone who is quite buttoned up and possibly conflicted about his sexuality. You may need help from a sex therapist or you may just need to get away from your responsibilities for a bit (a sabbatical abroad perhaps?) so that you can rediscover the fun you used to have together. Too much good behaviour is anathema to a successful sex life.

Helen Weston is head of professional practice with Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

This article was first published in Scotland On Sunday, 31 October, 2010