Ronnie Corbett's best jokes

Leave them laughing ... comedian Ronnie Corbett. Picture: Bill Henry

• “French wine growers fear that this year’s vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders’ sit-in.”

• “A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.”

• “We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.”

• “All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand.”

• “This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago.”

• “A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. ‘When did you last have a smoke?’ she asks. ‘Five years ago.’ So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, ‘When did you last have a drink?’ He said, ‘Five years ago.’ So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, ‘And when was the last time you played around?’ He looks at her in amazement and says: ‘You’re not telling me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there?’”

• “It was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.”

• “There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.”

• “West Mersea police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.”

• “We’ll be talking to a car designer who’s crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.”

• “After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.”

• “A juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.”

• “We’ve just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.”

• “If I wear too much tartan I tend to look like a Thermos flask.”