Film Review: This Means War (12A)

WITH most conflicts, you hope for a swift and painless resolution. That’s a vain hope though, when you’re stuck watching Reese Witherspoon, Tom Hardy and Chris Pine going over the top in This Means War.

The movie begins with a CIA mission in Hong Kong, which leaves a terrorist (Til Schweiger) vowing vengeance. The guns might suggest it’s shaping up to be an action spy caper, but it’s just the wrapping for a romcom, like when pet owners shape mince into pellets to conceal medication from their dog.

As punishment for their botched mission, the two agents are sentenced to desk jobs in the CIA’s LA office where they sit opposite each other in the manner of primary school kids and continue what appears to be an agreeable bromance despite being, of course, polar opposites. Tom Hardy (Inception) is Tuck, a sensitive hulk, who also seems to be the CIA’s first green card recipient since he’s English. Chris Pine (Star Trek) is FDR, a loudmouthed ladies’ man.

Both are single, and seem so happy together that you wait for the scene where they go to Bed Bath and Beyond to pick out furniture. Instead their friendship comes under threat when they fall for the same woman (Witherspoon). Rather than backing off, they make a pact to compete for her affections, winner take all, and undermine each other’s progress using Bond-style gizmos. Her perambulations are tracked on GPS and to find out her likes and dislikes – and monitor each other’s progress – they break into her house and plant bugs.

So far, This Means War appears to have been sculpted from the kind of high-concept idea screenwriters find scribbled on fag packets after a night of heavy drinking. Certainly the most progressive idea in this movie is that a woman could date two men at the same time without being stoned to death as a slut. The rest of it is just creepy, especially when surveillance guys watch Witherspoon having sex.

Apart from plot convenience, neither Tuck nor FDR have much to offer a woman; one tells off Witherspoon for being uptight, the other demands “no more thinking” when she begins to deconstruct his actions, while Witherspoon’s best friend gets labelled an “old man” by Pine for daring to be close to 40.

This Means War is clearly aimed at lovers who meant to book a restaurant table on Valentine’s Day, then forgot – but really there is no good reason why you should sit through this, unless you are on a flight to Australia, or it’s a condition of release for hostages.

On general release from Friday