Exams aren't just a testing time for kids

CAN'T sleep, can't eat, can't think. The stomach is churning and deep panic has set up camp and doesn't look like it's planning to leave any time soon. And that's just the parents.

Every May it's the same old routine, as parents – and, of course, their high school kids – struggle to survive the annual horrors of school examinations.

Which is why this time of year sees a spike in the number of callers to parent helplines from mums and dads seeking words of wisdom on how to actually survive exams season intact.

Last year 8.4 per cent of the total annual calls to Parentline, the support helpline run by Edinburgh-based charity Children 1st, were concerned with school exams. According to service manager Jill Cook, the calls fall into five broad categories: concerns that children are becoming over-stressed, that they lack motivation, parents' own soaring stress levels, worry over what failure might mean and how to raise exam concerns with schools. Here, using real-life summaries of calls from worried parents, Jill looks at the really big exam question: how to survive exam month without feeling a failure.

HOW TO GET THEM MOTIVATED

"Son has 'abandoned' his exams – won't get out of bed and says that the exams are not worth the stress that they cause."

"Daughter is refusing to attend her exam today – says that there is no point as she will fail anyway."

JILL SAYS: "In some ways a lack of motivation is harder to tackle than a child who is becoming stressed. Some callers talk about how their child feels they have already failed, that there's no point continuing. Go to the school and explain how they feel. There may be underlying reasons for the way they feel: for example, bullying.

"Sometimes young people are so busy trying to keep themselves safe that the thought of studying is not even in their psyche. If kids are 'down' about themselves then it can lead to depression. Check it out with the school, they might have study groups. Or consider a private tutor.

"Also remember that kids live for the moment. They're not interested in being told that five years down the line they might have a rubbish job, so that approach might fall on deaf ears. Tempt them with some form of treat."

HOW TO DEAL WITH EXAM STRESS

"Daughter is sitting five Highers – extremely stressed and has been swearing at parents, and is extremely angry all the time. Stays in room saying that revision is more important than eating."

"Caller concerned exam pressure on her daughter may lead to a suicide attempt. Daughter has previously attempted suicide."

"Daughter has started smoking – says that this helps her with the stress of her upcoming exams."

JILL SAYS: "Kids put enormous pressure on themselves. Young people aren't good at working out schedules for themselves. Discuss with them what's reasonable. They shouldn't go over the top studying all day and all night. Negotiate so they feel in control.

"Remind them that as long as they do their best, then that's all that matters. It's only an exam, if it all goes wrong then they can always sit it again.

"Use this time to look after them and support them. If they do chores around the house, then take some of the pressure off and give them a break from them. Maybe even pamper them a bit."

PARENTS UNDER PRESSURE

"Son failed all his exams except history. Mum concerned that son will be a cleaner like her. Feels 'panic and dread' about his future."

"Grandmother concerned that her daughter is bullying her granddaughter into getting good results in her exams."

JILL SAYS: "Exams can be overwhelming for parents too. They worry because they want the best for their child but they don't always know what the best thing is or what to do about it. Often just talking to someone on the phone, anonymously, helps enormously.

"A lot of parents simply lack confidence in their own ability as parents. And then there are sometimes complicated family dynamics: we are getting an increasing number of calls from grandparents who have stepped in to look after the children. They struggle to get to grips with issues like school, bullying and studying.

"The school system is also very complicated for many parents, they just don't really understand how the exams system actually works. Parents should be prepared for their children's extra mood swings – cut them some slack. It's about being reasonable and not going OTT. Children need their parents to be constant and stable."

HOW TO RAISE CONCERNS WITH SCHOOL

"Son in fourth year, struggles with homework but gets good grades. School saying that he is not going to qualify to do Highers. Mum worried about son dropping out of school."

"French teacher told daughter that she will fail her exams. Daughter is now self-harming because of this."

JILL SAYS: "Many parents struggle to confront schools about their concerns. Some might have had quite negative experiences with other professionals and they can find it difficult to deal with schools and teachers. Some make the mistake of trying to grab a word with a teacher after school, when everyone is rushing off.

"Make a more formal appointment and think about what you are going to say, even write it down. If you're not happy, then go back and be resilient. After all you're fighting for the best support possible for your child and don't be put off by rejection. Remember that the school also wants to see your child succeed."

HELP! WE'VE FAILED

"Caller's daughter had very disappointing results in her Highers. Caller says that her daughter is 'devastated' as everyone's expectations for good marks were high."

"Child very upset as exam marks very bad. Did very well in prelims and mum wants to know how to appeal to get her child better marks."

JILL SAYS: "If they've failed, they can resit the exam. But some people blow it out of all proportion. For some, failing can actually be a huge wake-up call. They think they're going to sail through something and when they realise they might have to wait another year to resit it, they start to realise how important it is to try their hardest. They realise it's their responsibility and failing can end up being quite motivating.

"In some respects, some exam pressure actually prepares children for the real world.

For advice and support on parenting issues, including dealing with exam stress, contact ParentLine Scotland 0808 800 2222, or e-mail parentline [email protected]

It's so hard to keep on studying when you're under a cloud

AN EASTER break in Spain should have been a perfect relaxing start before the stresses of exam time for Lesley Chapman and daughter Leigh. Instead their preparations for eight Standard Grades were thrown into chaos by the volcanic ash cloud.

They were stranded for a week – which meant Leigh, 15, a pupil at North Berwick High School, had to try to study from her Spanish hotel.

"We got in touch with the school and they suggested websites we could use to help Leigh study. Luckily she'd brought along some books, so it was a case of 'just get on with it'," says Lesley.

The family, who live in Glassel Park Road, Longniddry, arrived home with just days to spare before Leigh's art exam. The situation meant an even more stressful run-up to the crucial exam period, but Lesley says Leigh has coped with the pressure well.

"She's a typical teenager, so there have been a few times when she's been a bit short and grumpy but then she'll come up and say she's sorry and that she's just a bit worried about her exams. It's a stressful time for everyone, but we just keep telling her that as long as she tries her hardest and does her best then that's all anyone can ask."

COUNTING THE DAYS UNTIL IT'S ALL OVER

TEACHER and mum of three, Liz Nichol, from Longniddry, has seen exam stress from both sides of the classroom. "We're counting the days to May 31 when it all finishes," she nods. "It can't come quick enough."

Her son Sandy, 16, is sitting eight Standard Grades: English, Maths, French, Business Management, Product Design, Home Economics, Biology and Geography at Preston Lodge High School. But with two older daughters, Lyndsey, now 21, and Lorna, 18, already having "been there, done that", Liz says she's much more relaxed this time around. "First time is a very anxious time for parents," she says. "We were very stressed and worried for Lyndsey to do well. But you quickly realise you can't do it for them.

"Luckily she just got on with it. With Lorna, school wasn't really her 'thing' and we were looking at what might happen if she didn't get her results. It turned out fine, though, and she's gone to college to do an HND in hospitality management."

Liz, who teaches home economics at Preston Lodge, adds: "Probably the best thing we can do is just be supportive, encourage them to take breaks and get some fresh air."