Daddy Cool: The website suggests leather as a gift

You don't get that for murder these days. In an attempt to maintain our impressive record of more than 3,280 days without a cross word between us - sorry, did you choke on your breakfast? - I have been trawling the internet to find out what presents are usually exchanged to commemorate the ninth anniversary.

Nowadays you can choose between the "traditional" or the "modern". The traditional gifts for the ninth anniversary are apparently willow and pottery. I'm not entirely convinced the missus will fully appreciate being presented with a cricket bat - in fact there's every chance I'd end up with it wrapped round my chops.

Perhaps pottery? Perhaps not - can't see a Tesco value brand sugar bowl exactly cutting the mustard either.

The website then suggests "leather" as a modern alternative gift. OK, let's just not go there. Looks like as usual it'll be a bunch of forecourt flowers and a lukewarm bottle of liebfraumilch in front of Coronation Street. Who says romance is dead?

In other news, our two boys seem to be thriving in Primary 4 and 2, while their sister is enjoying nursery. For some reason known only to herself, she is currently feigning reluctance to attend - only then to emerge at the end of class beaming from ear to ear having clearly had a whale of time and clutching some dried-pasta-on-paper masterpiece.

Number one son has the chance to play seven-a-side football on Saturday mornings, and he seems to be looking forward to taking part in his shiny new boots - though whether his teammates are quite as enthusiastic is debatable, given his favoured position seems to be left back … at the side of the pitch.

His younger brother remains as heedless as ever. Indeed, the only time he seems to sit in the same place for longer than 30 seconds is when he's logged on to insidious Disney website ClubPenguin.

Of course, in all probability, lurking behind the cutely animated 'personalised penguins' are some of the most depraved individuals currently detained at Her Majesty's Pleasure, but it's a risk I'm prepared to take for half an hour of peace and quiet.

This article first appeared in Scotland on Sunday, September 12, 2010