Daddy Cool: 'She cited "curtsying and dancing" as the job's appeal

PURELY as a device to generate material to fulfil the obligations of this column, rather than as any genuine attempt to foster a greater understanding of the hopes, fears and aspirations of my offspring, I recently interrupted one of their endless Farmville/ Fishville/Petville sessions on the computer and posed them the question: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

• Andrew Hoyle

Predictably, this was greeted with a stony silence, that is until I yanked the plug out of the wall and threatened to banish them forever

from the virtual world that they clearly prefer to occupy from the moment they get home from school until the moment the sandman drags

them kicking and screaming to sleepy-bye-byes in the midden that doubles as their bedroom.

Our three-year-old daughter, apparently undeterred by the prospect of a lifetime of eating disorders before being hounded to an early grave by the paparazzi, eventually admitted her aim was to become "a princess".

She cited "curtsying and dancing" as parts of the job that most appealed – funnily enough, this is what initially attracted me to sub-editing.

Her seven-year-old brother then confidently announced he wanted to become a "beekeeper".

Super. So while his overachieving internet whizzkid classmates are making their first millions before they leave primary school,

he'll be flapping a rolled-up newspaper about a swarm of angry insects, trying to extract half a jar of honey.

Oh well, different strokes for different folks, I suppose. My only hope is that he doesn't end up like that little freak who made

a fortune from his granny's vile jam recipes.

Urgh, that guy gives me the creeps.

Our five-year-old boy declared that he wanted to become a "vet". Dream on, sonny, there's more chance of Hibs lifting the Scottish Cup than you

becoming the next James Herriot.

Given his cold-hearted nature, middle child's only chance to work with animals will probably be in an abattoir.

A more plausible career trajectory I have mapped out for him involves starting as a cage fighter, before graduating to gangland enforcer and then ending his days as tobacco baron of D Wing.

Overall, the most pleasing aspect of the three children's choices is that none of them mentioned a desire to follow their dad into

journalism.

Me? Believe it or not, I always wanted to work in newspapers. And, after the best part of two decades in the industry, it seems probable

that I shall leave it just as I started – fired with enthusiasm...