Daddy cool

EVERY parent indulges in a bit of boasting about their offspring. It's almost impossible not to. The excitement, emotional upheaval and exhaustion of the early months, when you are simply happy that they are still alive in your care, can lead one to say some frankly ridiculous things.

Most people, certainly those who have been through it, will let the odd "She was talking and cooking omelettes at nine months" and "He was so ready by two to start on the acoustic guitar/Olympic gymnastics training/Advanced Higher Latin", safe in the knowledge that awareness will slowly creep up that the abilities of your little genius are pretty much in line with everyone else's.

And so it was that we were invited round to have tea with some friends. We found ourselves saying how our youngest had become adept at using the computer. About how he logs off whichever user is on and clicks on his own name, then gets on to the Doctor Who website or investigates old Hulk clips on YouTube. So far so good, though we managed to stop ourselves from mentioning that he's on the verge of launching a search engine to help find the best websites for germs.

At about this time, there was a commotion as our computer whiz holed himself up in the bathroom, refusing to let anyone else in. Ah, we were going to have to alert our hosts to a new skill set. Hurriedly we mentioned that in addition to his IT skills, he is also showing some ability in arts and crafts, with a particular passion for using toilet-roll tubes to fashion into... very authentic-looking fake poo.

Inspired by the disgusting joke shop one he got for Christmas, he has refined a technique involving scrunching the tube, soaking it in water and moulding until he has a perfect specimen. We have become inured to this and regularly pick up bits of drying cardboard left around the house. Latterly, we have cut off the supply, putting the tubes straight into the gerbil cage for rodent recycling.

Our friends must have left a stray toilet-roll tube lying around the bathroom, we thought to ourselves. Anyone with a five-year-old would know not to... hang on, they have a five-year-old and his only vice appears to be homemade scones and jam.

It was, of course, a further source of pride to discover that he had extracted the tube from a full roll of super-soft double-ply before beginning his latest masterpiece. As we gathered our things, we might also have mentioned how polite he is, for on leaving he very kindly said our hosts could keep this, his very best fake poo, for themselves.

• This article was first published in Scotland on Sunday on 07 February 2010