Cooking up ways to care for male of the species

While the extremely un-PC, and some would say anti-feminist, look at the chemistry of marriage and long-term relationships sounds like a throwback to the bygone age of Little House on the Prairie, when the highlight of a woman’s day was when her strapping, breadwinning man came home, this new self-help book by controversial New York radio counsellor Dr Laura Schlessinger has been a huge hit in the US where it’s sold more than 750,000 copies since publication in January.

With such sales it seems many American women have clearly been won over by this old-fashioned advice and Shelessinger will be hoping for a similar reaction when it hits British bookshelves this autumn.

Not that it should come as a surprise that it’s been such a runaway hit. This "little woman" book on marriage isn’t the first - it’s following in the footsteps of The Rules, the guide to dating which had women playing down their go-getting personalities in order to bag a man, which was quickly followed by the Surrendered Wife, which suggested wives give up their shrewish, controlling ways which make their husbands feel castrated and give up control of their lives so he could do all the worrying.

Schlessinger’s book, though, goes one step further. She reasons that men are simple creatures and all they need is food, sex and to be shown they are needed, desired and admired. Supplying these - with good grace - should be a "loving obligation" for a woman, who will reap her rewards.

Husbands, Schlessinger says, should be of prime importance in marriages and children should not be used as an all-too-common excuse for neglecting them. Nagging, whining and crying are also off the menu. And never say no to sex as it indicates a lack of respect and consideration for the man’s wants.

Schlessinger, who is interestingly a physiologist rather than a psychologist, believes that women are in a unique position of having influence over their men, which will get them what they want.

She says: "When treated with the three As - appreciation, approval and affection - they naturally, and in gratitude and affection, give their women the attention, regard, respect, support and love they want." The happier man will, as a result, "swim through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade".

But what do the experts think? Does the popularity of this book signify a post-feminist backlash which will soon hit the UK?

Scottish psychologist Professor Alex Gardner does not think so and believes Schlessinger’s views are old fashioned, claiming there is much more depth to relationships than merely food and sex.

He says: "Food and sex are only part of life and a lifetime. What contributes to quality of life is a person’s self-esteem, self-worth and their concept of control in life. If a person doesn’t have this then there is a feeling of helplessness and then hopelessness. People need to sort themselves out personally, then sort their lives out and not rely on others to achieve this. Both men and women now aspire to satisfy themselves and it was a very different society when men simply went to work and brought home a pay packet. Life is a lot richer now, people have more choices and this book doesn’t fit with them. It’s just plain old-fashioned."

Dr Bren Neale, a family sociologist and senior research fellow with the University of Leeds, says that although the book and sales suggest there could be a feminist backlash in the US, she very much doubts it will materialise here. Nor does she think the book will have much influence on modern relationships.

She says: "Women will always want to nurture, but this works best when it is reciprocal. The book suggests women should be of a subordinate position which is old and outdated. Society has moved on. The biggest social changes have been with women’s independence in the workplace - they no longer have to stay at home as they have economic independence. Also, marriages are no longer for life, as people now know they can move on if they’re unhappy.

"However, there are still people who work within the old-fashioned models that seem to appear in the book. Older marriages and ethnic marriages are sometimes like this, but the majority of younger marriages are not. What’s important to know is that family life is diverse and therefore part of this [the book] still exists and therefore there is room for this book. There is no consensus."

Relate relationship counsellor Paula Hall agrees with Gardner’s and Neale’s views that the book is outdated, but adds: "I think Schlessinger is absolutely right. If a woman wants a simple man then this is fine and I’m sure she will achieve success through these guidelines but if she wants something more from her relationship then forget it. This is not a highly intelligent man or a modern man who wants these things from a woman or a relationship.

"I suppose it all depends on the individuals and if this is all you want out of life then fine but I wouldn’t advise it. It’s so outdated and very patronising to men."

Gardner agrees, and adds: "The US is typically a matriarchal society, with dominant women who lived longer and got what they wanted so I wonder if this book is an attempt to switch back to the past to try something new.

"What’s important to remember is that relationships aren’t that simple. What’s increasingly missing in modern relationships is respect and we witness this everyday in society in general. Behaving like this won’t bring it back and men will simply see it as manipulation. To me it’s just hype to sell a book and prove a funny light-hearted read to kill some time."

However, marriage counsellor Jennie Bergat is horrified by some of Schlessinger’s thinking and says: "When you sign a marriage certificate you don’t surrender privacy and rights. Women have the right to be too tired for sex.

"If a woman is not in the mood, then a man should respect that. She is declaring that women are chattels, to be used at the man’s whim."

So, why has it been so well received in the US in a country, which you might imagine from television imports, is populated by women such as the independent types in Sex and the City?

Well, while that might serve as an example of liberated New Yorkers, it seems that middle America thinks differently - it is claimed they have little time for received feminist wisdom - and with 17 million listeners to Schlessinger’s radio counselling show, she must be doing something right.

Sociologist Neale speculates on the popularity of the book in the US and says: "It makes more sense that the book has done well in the States as opposed to ever doing well here as there are different sets of relationship values.

"In middle America there are overarching sets of religious values and traditional values where making a marriage work is of vital importance. They are very pro-marriage and a book on how to make a successful marriage will be well received I am sure. Here, on the other hand, I am not so sure."

With women increasingly making strides in the workplace, owning their own homes and cars, marrying later and having children even later than that, she believes that it’s doubtful that once British power suits are off there will be a reversion to the happy, eager to please housewife who never says no.

"Remember the debutante balls of the 1930s?" says Gardner, "well that’s when girls went to public schools, finishing schools and then on to this matchmaking ball with eligible bachelors on their 18th birthday.

"The aim was to get a husband, a good one with money. This is no more in the UK now. I suppose some females in America still aim to get themselves a good husband by going to university specifically for them and catching them in certain ways.

"It’s still big there whereas the UK has moved on. Guys are also smarter here and will see through it now."

So, while The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands may well have done well in the US it is more likely to provoke laughter and dismissal in the UK.

And as the experts continually stress, the most effective relationship solutions are often the simplest. Follow your heart, listen and talk. Forget sensationalised, complicated and nonsensical self help books which complicate a straightforward issue.

The infamous The Rules book which Denise Van Outen swore by and used to lure ex-boyfriend Jay Kay did not prove too successful for the starlet, who eventually got dumped. As did the author of the book months after publication.

Even Jerry Hall, who once said "My mother said it was simple to keep a man; you must be a maid in the livingroom, a cook in the kitchen, and a whore in the bedroom," ended up being cheated by her husband, Mick Jagger, who fathered another woman’s child, and is now divorced.

It should also be remembered that Schlessinger has also written a previous bestseller entitled Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives. One of them would be to take this book literally.