Bookworm

NOT PLANE FLYINGIMAGINE, for a moment, that you are Lemony Snicket. There are huge advantages to being Lemony Snicket, of course, not least the fact that his books have already sold 60 million-plus copies. But there is one huge disadvantage. To perform your act anywhere, you have to travel with an accordion. On airplanes.

When Mr Snicket arrived in Scotland for his first visit on Wednesday, he caught a British Airways plane to Newcastle. His able assistant, Alistair Spalding, knowing that accordions usually get broken by baggage handlers, asked if the accordion could be taken as hand luggage. No, he was told. It would need its own seat. In fact, though it's smaller than the average suitcase, it would need two seats. And at Heathrow, two men came with him on to the plane specially to strap the accordion into its paid-for seats.

At check-in for the British Airways flight from Edinburgh to London, however, Mr Snicket was told that the accordion could be taken as hand luggage. At security, he was told that it couldn't. Back at check-in, he was told it would have to go in the hold instead of on its own paid-for seat(s). In vain did he protest that travelling in the hold is invariably instant death for accordions.

At London City Airport, no sooner had the baggage been unloaded from the British Airways flight and retrieved from the carousel than Mr Snicket opened the case and started playing it to startled passengers. "It was a truly horrible sound," says Mr Spalding, suppressing tears. "The accordion had in fact died. It was the reeds, you see. They just couldn't take it."

All of which is indeed a series of unfortunate events. Particularly since Mr Spalding is now faced with a 1,500 bill from his London accordion hire shop.

HEADY DAYS FOR POETRY

What with the Burns Day almost upon us, and the Edinburgh Unesco City of Literature poetry giveaway next month not far behind, these are heady days for poetry.

For those among you who actually write the stuff rather than read it, the poet Mr Aonghas MacNeacail points out that the deadline for the Stokestown International Poetry competitions (worth 4,000 to the winners; full details on stokestown poetry.org) in Ireland is fast approaching, on 5 February.

There are two prizes – one in English, the other in Scots or Irish Gaelic. No Scots poets have yet won, but with Mr MacNeacail himself as a judge, perhaps this might change ...