What matters to me: Irvine Welsh, Author

Who would attend your fantasy dinner party and what would you eat?

Being Leith-born and Muirhouse/Pilton raised, I don't really have dinner parties. If I feel like entertaining, then I'll take friends out to a restaurant. Alan Warner and his wife Hollie are great fun in that respect, so is my publisher, Robin Robertson.

Who did you last text and what was the message?

I texted my friend Kris Needs ten minutes ago. We were discussing an acquaintance who has disgraced himself somewhat. In our company that takes some doing.

It's not cool but...

I love baseball. I go all the time when I'm in the US. I like the Chicago White Sox.

What's the best piece of advice you've ever been given?

Nothing good or bad lasts forever. Enjoy the good times because they'll go, but tough out the bad times with your chin up, cos they'll fade away.

What's the worst job you ever had?

Selling double-glazing in the Eighties. By then, anybody who wanted it already had it.

Who is your favourite fictional character?

Myself. All the profiles done of me over the years bear absolutely no similarity to how I am.

What are you afraid of?

Hibs winning the Scottish Cup. I don't think my liver could stand the celebrations.

Did you have a nickname growing up?

The one that stuck the most was Taz. It came from Welsh > Taffy > Taz.

What makes you lose your temper?

I hate when I'm left hanging on the phone when piped music plays.

If you could choose a profession that you would like to try, what would that be? Why?

It might be fun to be a criminal lawyer.

What food or drink is always in your fridge?

V8, soya milk, yoghurt, cheese, Thai red curry paste, peanut butter.

If you could change something about yourself, what would it be?

I'd operate a little more on science and a little less on my prejudices. I tend to go with gut reaction, then try and justify that with research, rather than the other way around.

If you could travel back in time, where would you go?

The Fifties so I could watch the Famous Five of Gordon Smith, Bobby Johnstone, Lawrie Reilly, Eddie Turnbull and Willie Ormond playing for Hibs in their prime.

Saturday night or Sunday morning?

Are you joking? Definitely Saturday night. I hate Sundays. You just have to sit in and suffer your hangover.

Who or what is the love of your life?

My wife, Elizabeth, who keeps a smile on my face.

n Irvine Welsh's short story collection, Reheated Cabbage (Jonathan Cape, 12.99) is out now.