The Big BBC Brexit Panto Special is here '“ Bill Jamieson

The BBC does Brexit as panto season gets surreal in the mind of Bill Jamieson.

Kissey-kissey: Jean-Claude Juncker greets Nicola Sturgeon in his usual manner
Kissey-kissey: Jean-Claude Juncker greets Nicola Sturgeon in his usual manner

Kirsty Wark: Hallo and welcome to the Great BBC Christmas Panto special. We’ll have flashback highlights of a momentous year. And it’s still not over! Over to Laura Kuenssberg outside Number 10.

Laura K: Kirsty, I’ve been standing here so often they’ve made me a permanent statue. And in the past few minutes, we’ve just been told of a new motion of no confidence. It’s on motions of no confidence!

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Kirsty W: Now over to Ireland where Orla Guerin is at the Irish Backstop. Orla, what’s the latest?

Orla G: I’m standing here in the stench of death, Kirsty. It’s a dead cow. Nothing’s getting through. It’s the backstop. Behind it are banked-up Guinness lorries.

Kirsty W: But what of vital supplies?

Orla G: Those are the vital supplies.

Kirsty W: Now to Dover and John Simpson. What about medicines, water, just-in-time components?

John S: There’s an army airlift, Kirsty. But there’s huge restrictions and priority for limited emergency supplies. There’s only tonic water for the home-made gin, and the Mars bars have been shrunk.

Kirsty W: And now over to Scotland and our political editor Brian Taylor.

Brian T: What a peaceful scene it is here, Kirsty, compared to the Westminster shenanigans. Holyrood is like a bowl of gently bubbling porridge.

(Cut to scenes of the Scottish Parliament, desk-banging and chanting) People’s vote! People’s vote!

Mike Russell: Brexit! We’re all doomed! Doomed, ah tell ye!

Derek Mackay: ... and tax rates and levels will stay just the same – except for a wee bit nibble on the higher earners...

Patrick Harvie: Tax ‘em high till there’s nae mair left! Thae rich guzzlin’ scumbags! Seize the land and divvy it up for the peeple! (banging of desks and shouts of ‘more, more’)

Richard Leonard: I can’t get a word in edgeways! Nobody will know who I am ...

Presiding Officer: Sorry, who are you?

D MacK (clutching magnifying glass): Here’s great news! Scotland’s economy has grown faster than England’s!

Mike R: But we’re Brexit doomed! Doomed! We’ll all die! (chants erupt of ‘People’s Vote!’)

Brian T: So there you are, Kirsty. Quiet as a millpond. Nothing to see here.

Kirsty W: Thank you, Brian. And now over to Brussels (enter Gary Lineker, shouting and waving hands)

Gary L: Stop everything, Kirsty! Jose Mourinho’s been fired at Man United! Contenders are lining up at the turnstiles. Hot favourite is the right-wing superstar Boris Johnson, currently on loan from Brexit Central. And there’s David Davis in close pursuit, followed by Jacob Rees-Mogg and a troupe of midfielders from the Royal School of Ballet (chants from the stands of People’s vote! People’s vote!) Foreign managers are also in contention – (Jean-Claude Juncker crashes onto set and lands on top of Kirsty Wark.) ‘Allo, allo, Kirsty! Kissey kissey! You need foreign manager to speak barely comprehensible jibberish in post-match interviews! And I’m your man for difficult players – I deal with 27 of them!

Gary L: You’ll need a migrant work permit now, Jean-Claude. And the pay’s not high enough.

Kirsty W: But why no women managers, Gary? Isn’t it about time?

Gary L: Michael Gove’s transgendering as I speak!

(caught on microphone): Stupid woman!

Kirsty W: And now joining us round this huge table for a balanced studio discussion is Prime Minister Theresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, John Major, Tony Blair and Professor Heinz Brainstorm from the Strathclyde University School of People’s Vote Studies.

PM: There’s only one deal on the table – my deal. And with all the assurances I’ve had from Brussels, nothing is off the table!

Kirsty W: So when’s the Commons vote going to be?

PM: I’ve taken soundings, Kirsty, and listened to all the points in parliament. So the date is agreed by all sides. It’s January the 32nd.

Kirsty W: But there’s no such date!

PM: That’s why I’ve agreed it, Kirsty.

Kirsty W: Professor Brainstorm, what will be the question and who will win?

Heinz B: There’s only seven options on the voting paper: The Prime Minister’s deal, an amended deal, a Norway Plus deal, a Norway Plus Plus deal, a Canada Minus Deal, No Deal and Remain. Voters will be asked to rank these in order of preference after consulting the 600-page explanatory leaflet. The vote will then be counted over several weeks. Those with the lowest preferences are gradually eliminated until only two are left. There will then be a run-off ballot until Remain wins.

Kirsty W: And how long will that take?

Heinz B: From the preparations for the explanatory leaflet, through the voting rounds, counting procedures, eliminations and allowing for appeals – I see a result in 2023.

Jean-Claude J: And then fresh negotiations can begin with the European Commission. Hic!

Jeremy C: I’m tabling a motion of no confidence!

(Studio joins in): Oh, no you’re not!

Jeremy C: Oh yes I am!

Tony B: What? Like the last one? That’ll be quick!

Kirsty W: Laura, what’s the latest with the Cabinet?

Laura K: There’s more resignations, Kirsty. The latest is a shocker – the under-secretary for polystyrene recycling and tin can crushing.

Kirsty W: And in case you think it can’t get worse, now for some dramatic business news. The price of Bitcoin has tumbled. I’m joined by Mungo MacJitters from the badly hit Scottish International Sustainability and Growth Trust to explain. How come your shares have crashed?

Mungo MacJ: Crashed? It’s an overdue positive correction.

Kirsty W: But you bought into Bitcoin at $11,300. Now it’s below $4,000. It’s crashed!

Mungo Mac-J: Just another bump in the ever upward road. We have an optimally diversified portfolio of crypto-currencies – 90 per cent in Bitcoin, Dogecoin, Aurocoin, Ripple and Etherium. We’ve just added Chrysanthemum and Delphinium. And we’ve just bought into a super new crypto hyper-stock – Delirium!

Kirsty W: So you’re buying in at the bottom?

Mungo Mac-J: Who says it’s the bottom?

Kirsty W: What a great note on which to finish! Do join us next week for an extended programme on predictions for 2019. And cheer up at the back – it can only get better!