Bernadette Lynass on age gap relationships

MY FIANCEE is 14 years older than me and has two daughters from her previous marriage. She recently told me she doesn't want any more children.

I always presumed we would have at least one child together and feel she is being selfish. Should I wait and see if the situation changes once we are married?

While a difference in age can result in people wanting different things, it can also result in happy healthy relationships. Nevertheless, problems can arise if people have different expectations. The key to avoiding this is good communication, be honest about issues such as your desire to live together, marry or have children. If there are important issues you do not agree on it is tempting to think you can change your partner's mind over time. But strong beliefs are unlikely to change and this can lead to one or both parties feeling resentful, disappointed and stifled.

Having a baby is a life-changing decision and should not be made unless both parents are fully committed to the practical and emotional responsibilities. The same consideration must also be given to the needs of existing children within the family.

It is a good idea for all couples to consider how a difference in age will affect you both in five, ten or 20 years' time. Being at different stages in life may not be an issue at the start but can lead to problems as time passes. With a willingness to compromise, it is possible to find ways to accommodate each person's needs; however, with bigger issues, it can be difficult to reach an agreement both parties feel is fair.

Talk to your partner honestly about how you feel. Be aware that sweeping your own feelings aside in fear of losing your partner can result in those feelings resurfacing, causing arguments or barriers between you both. Approach discussions calmly and listen with an open mind.

HE'S MUCH OLDER

MY 19-YEAR-OLD daughter has recently started dating a man old enough to be her father. I have tried to stop her but she won't listen. How can I make her see he is using her and that it will all end in tears?

When our children become adults it can be difficult to cut the apron strings and allow them the freedom to live their own lives. It is only natural you want to protect your daughter. However, she is legally an adult and it is important you respect her decisions. Tactfully discussing your concerns is fine but by trying to force your daughter not to see this man you risk damaging your relationship with her.

Whether this relationship lasts the distance or not, by supporting your daughter you will show you are there for her unconditionally. This will make it easier for her to confide in you, without the fear of being judged.

Emotional age can be different from physical age and people of all ages share interests, views, desires and needs. Perhaps if you take the time to get to know him you will see some of the qualities she sees in him.

Age alone is not an important element in a relationship between two consenting adults. What is important is trust, communication, respect and having shared values.

Bernadette Lynass is connecting generations project co-ordinator at Relationships Scotland Family Mediation South Lanarkshire

(www.relationships-Scotland.org.uk)

This article was first published in Scotland On Sunday, 6 March, 2011