Are you a...World Cup Winner?

1 The football event we've all been waiting for is upon us, and the Scotland team has failed to qualify (again). Do you?

A Behave as if the whole sorry affair is beneath you. Football? What football? You have more important things going on in your life, you tell the barman, while sobbing into your Saltire.

B Support a team, any team, that is playing against England. They may be rubbish and have no chance of winning, they may also have taken your place in the tournament, but you don't care. Anything is better than sitting complacently by while Rooney and co win.

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C Choose a country you feel the greatest affinity for after Scotland – and the one most likely to come out on top, of course – then support them as though you were born there.

2 You can't face the thought of England doing well in the tournament. Do you?

A Moan continuously to anyone who will still listen – family, friends, randoms at the bus stop – about the fact that Scotland didn't qualify. Those losses against Holland weren't just a crime against your country. They were a crime against humanity.

B Wear your Scotland strip every time England are playing. Team it with significant items from your national dress. OK, so it won't be the most stylish look going, but this isn't about style. It's about blood and guts and tears and, oh dear, when will this travesty end?

C Get down to the bookies and put a bet on Spain to win. They are the favourites, after all. If Scotland can't come out on top, you might as well pick a team that is in with a chance.

3 Failing to qualify isn't going to stop you from having a good time. What is your next step?

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A Book tickets to see your local team play on the day the tournament starts. You have bigger fish to fry. OK, they are actually smaller, but ...

B Boycott all English products over the course of the tournament. Trade between your two countries may not come to a standstill, but it'll provide you with endless amusement.

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C Throw a global football party, with all teams represented in the form of an international array of hors d'oeuvres. Decorations should consist of national flags hung as bunting around the room.

Mostly As You are the Rab C Nesbitt of the football world. It's the Tartan Army or the highway, boyo.

Mostly Bs Everyone may have blasted Andy Murray for supporting anyone other than England, but he's a hero in your eyes.

Mostly Cs The United Nations would be impressed, even if everyone else thinks you've lost the plot.

• This article was first published in Scotland on Sunday, June 6, 2010