Are you a...celebrity parent's nightmare?

1 You are a DJ, bit-part actor and full-time heroin addict. Despite your privileged upbringing you've just been given a five-year jail sentence for drug dealing. Do you?

A In a sob story worthy of any three-hankie Hollywood script, claim your problems stem from a dysfunctional childhood. The scrape of violins can be heard as your legal team plead it was your loving family that turned you into a low-life.

B You've managed to skip jail this time, but no thanks to that nasty piece of work who posted naked pictures of you online after your recent one night stand. He didn't need to go and tell everyone about the heroin either. Especially after you went to the trouble of organising a joint detoxification ritual at a Scientology centre. Some people are never happy.

C Despite a conviction for drug possession in his youth, your dad is known for his clean-living lifestyle. But that doesn't stop you celebrating your 18th birthday by snorting a mystery substance outside a pub frequented by paparazzi.

2 You have a rocky relationship history and you're back in the headlines for all the wrong reasons. What's going to be your next step?

A The only relationship you are likely to have during your five years in jail is with yourself inside your prison cell. You can't believe daddy didn't fix this.

B Your new beau may be a bad boy, but wasn't he sweet when he defended your heroin habit on Facebook?

C Organising a topless photo shoot with your new boyfriend. Both your fathers are ageing rock stars, so you'll have twice the bother when it all comes crumbling around your ears.

3 You've broken your dad's rules again. Is it worth the telling off you will surely get?

A Probably not. Your most recent bout of bad behaviour landed you a lengthy jail sentence. Still, at least you got to stick the boot in about Mum and Dad's "distant" and "immature" parenting while you were growing up.

B He gave his blessing when you married your boyfriend of a few months in secret, but it wasn't long before you were ordered home to face the music. This time will be no different.

C Telling off? A photo shoot for Chanel may have broken your curfew, but your dad will be delighted when you tell him about the pay packet. He's never liked parting with his precious pennies.

Mostly As Is Cameron Douglas your role model?

Mostly Bs Peaches Geldof would be impressed.

Mostly Cs You could teach Georgia May Jagger a thing or too.

•This article was first published in Scotland on Sunday on 16 May 2010