Anne Chilton on young people and sex

MY GIRLFRIEND and I have been together for three months. She is 17 and I am 18 and we are both committed to each other. I would really like us to have sex but she says she wants to wait.

She got really hurt in her last relationship when she had sex before she wanted to and her boyfriend dumped her afterwards. But we are different and I believe we will be together long term. I don't see her problem and it's really getting me down; if she really wanted to be with me wouldn't she want to have sex as well?

There's a lot more to a relationship then just having sex and I am sure you know this; however, your girlfriend is saying quite clearly that she got hurt before and doesn't want to experience that again.

Sex is an important part of most relationships as it's the place where we share the most intimate and personal parts of ourselves with someone we love and trust.

At least that's what it should be; sometimes, though, our past experiences can get in the way and make being that close to someone a risky venture.

You say you feel committed and see the relationship as long term so maybe it is worth considering what is going on for her. You know she was hurt and seem to think that because you want to be with her long term that should be enough.

She has been hurt and those wounds can take a long time to heal. Her trust in what men say has been sorely tested. She is saying clearly you need to earn her trust before she makes that step.

I know this sounds like you are paying for someone else's bad behaviour, however you need to give her space to develop her relationship with you. I wonder also what having sex means for you? If she agrees, will it show you she loves you?

Or will it just confirm that she has given in to someone again; someone who hasn't really taken into account what she wants.

Trust in each other and how you feel about being together is neither proved nor disproved by having sex; it comes through really getting to know each other first. When you are both ready and know that it is what you want, it will happen.

SINKING FEELING

I AM 19 and have been with my boyfriend for about six months. We started to have sex quite soon in our relationship. It was all very quick and passionate to begin with and we couldn't get enough of each other.

Now we don't seem to have sex as often. A couple of months ago he lost his erection when he was putting a condom on. We talked a bit about it and he said this often happened to him and could I go on the pill so we could have sex without condoms. I am not keen but it seems the only way.

There are two issues here; what you as a couple are going to use for contraception and then there is the erectile problem. If you are in a relationship then contraception is really something you both need to discuss and you need to consider all the implications both short and long term.

Taking the pill might be an option but contraception is not just your responsibility. The second problem, loss of erection, is a very common problem that can affect men at any time in their sexual lives.

For some, putting on a condom can cause their erection to go down and this is quite normal. A bit of stimulation can usually restore it.

You might both want to think about booking an appointment at your local Family Planning Clinic as they will be able to go through all the contraceptive options and help you decide the best option for you both as well as giving you some helpful ways of dealing with condoms.

If the erectile problem continues you might also want to consult with a counsellor specialising in sexual difficulties. Many Relationships Scotland centres offer such a service or you can find a therapist as well as a lot of information at www.corst.org.uk.

Anne Chilton is a consultant in professional practice at Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-Scotland.org.uk)

This article was first published in Scotland On Sunday, 3 April, 2011