Anne Chilton on love

IT IS the season of love, a time when our emotions are at their most heady. That's the theory at least. In reality, for some Valentine's Day is an opportunity to tell the object of our affection just how much we love them, and for them to reciprocate.

For others, it is a day of dark disappointment. Either way, it is hard to avoid. Finding and holding on to love is one of the most difficult things we ever have to do. Yet it is also the one thing that can enrich our lives beyond recognition, giving us something that will sustain us through the hard times and make us even happier in the good times.

Being in love and loving someone isn't easy though. We have to show our love to each other every day, repair the cracks and protect it as something precious. We think of this special day as being about those relationships we have with our partner or 'significant other' but why not instead consider it a necessity for all our relationships? A way of looking after all the important people in our lives?

THE BIG QUESTION

I have been living with my partner for five years. He would like us to get married and I think he is going to propose on Valentine's Day. I'm happy as we are and don't see the need to get married. But if I say no, he might leave.

This is a real predicament. If you wait until the day you risk a showdown. Have you considered talking to him before you get to this point? I wonder what he feels will change if you get married? You both need to decide what you want from this relationship and you can only find that out by talking to each other. During a proposal is not the best time to have that discussion; try talking to him now, explore what it is you both want for now and in the future.

THREE WORDS

I've been married for 30 years to a wonderful man. He's been a great dad to our children; he made sure I never wanted for anything, except he has never told me he loves me.

That longing for what we never get sometimes blinds us to the things we do have. I wonder what you expected. Did you always dream of a man on a white charger? Most of us have dreams of who we would like as a partner; however, most of us end up with someone quite different. It sounds as though you aren't quite sure how he feels about you; have you asked him? Sometimes we can wait to hear something when all we need to do is ask. Maybe he finds it difficult to say how he feels but easy to show by the things he does for you.

A HUGE EFFORT

My partner always wants a big show of affection on Valentine's Day: red roses, chocolates and champagne, the works. I don't mind doing this but feel it's a bit of a chore and it's quite expensive. This year I was thinking of ignoring it.

The difficulty with love is that we all have our different ideas about what it is and how it will be shown in our lives. We also have to consider what Valentine's Day means to us. For some it's the one day of the year when excess is acceptable. For others it's just a day when the price of red roses goes through the roof. It sounds like your partner sees it as one day when she knows she is the most important person in your life. Do you show her this at other times of the year? If it means so much to her, I wonder what it is you don't like? The

commercialisation or the hassle of having to do something for her?

Valentine's Day doesn't have to be expensive; it does, though, have to be about showing love to someone; showing them how special they are to you.

• Anne Chilton is a consultant in professional practice at Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

This article was first published in Scotland On Sunday, 13 February, 2011