Anne Chilton on hidden desires

Some people like the visual, physical attributes - legs, bums, breasts, eyes - while others love it when someone makes them laugh or talks to them.

Then again, it might be the way the person smells or how they have their hair cut or how they dress that appeals.

Mostly when we meet someone new we know if there is a spark of attraction.

Sometimes, though, we might keep part of what we want sexually hidden over concerns that our partners would not like or approve of what we desire.

To a point, having things that are private in a relationship is OK - we all need to have a little bit about ourselves that is known only to ourselves.

The problem arises when either we ask our partners to join us in our private world or when they discover what we want sexually, particularly if our desires might have a negative impact on them or others.

He's cross dressing

I came home unexpectedly from work the other day to find my husband dressed in women's clothes. I was shocked and upset. I don't know what to do. He says he loves me and has always done this from time to time.

Discovering your husband had a private part of himself will have been a big shock for you.

Revealing this part of his self will have been a shock for him as well, so you both need time to consider the impact.

Many men find it comforting to cross dress and feel it is a way of giving expression to the more feminine parts of their personality. So it is important to talk about what he gets out of cross dressing and what meaning it has for him.

ILLICIT FANTASIES

I have been with my partner for ten years and we have a good life together. Recently though, I have been fantasising about meeting anonymous people, of both genders, for sex. I haven't done anything about it but find the thoughts increasingly exciting.

The key word here seem to be that you are finding the thoughts increasingly exciting.

Thinking exciting thoughts is very different to actually carrying those things out in reality when things are a little less certain. Do you really want to risk all you have achieved for a quick rush of adrenaline?

Maybe you could talk to your partner and see what new adventurous things you could bring into your relationship together. You never know, your partner might be off on their own fantasy journey and welcome the chance to make things a little more rooted in reality..

PLAYING DRESS UP

My partner wants me to dress up when we make love. I don't mind but some of the outfits are a bit tarty and I don't want to be seen like that.

An important part of our sexual relationships is trusting we can tell our partners the things that turn us on and that they will support us in exploring these.

It sounds like you do that for your partner but are concerned they will think less of you. Have you talked to them about how you feel? Have you also thought about talking to them about the things you would like in your love making?

It's all about openness and compromise. We sometimes do things for our partners because we know it's what they like and they do the same for us.

However, no one should feel they have to do something they are uncomfortable with, so if you really don't want to do it you need to say so.

As always, though, the best relationship compromises are when both partners know that what is being done is out of love and care for the other person.

Anne Chilton is a consultant in professional practice at Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

This article was first published in Scotland On Sunday, 23 January, 2011