Anne Chilton on gambling

We have been going through a bit of a difficult patch recently; the cat was ill and there were vet bills, we replaced the boiler, then my partner got put on to part-time at work, which was a bit of a shock.

I thought we were managing but my partner has now started to spend time on the computer playing poker. He says it's relaxing but I am worried about how much he might be spending as he won't tell me. He never played any sort of games on the computer before.

VIRTUAL STRANGER

I wonder if the difficulty here is less about how much the poker playing is costing and more about why he is playing it. You have both had a lot of change and upheaval and this puts a strain on relationships. Sometimes we are so relieved to be out of the 'difficult' bit, we forget to talk about how it has affected us. I wonder how he really feels about being part-time at work?

Can he talk about it? The internet is a great forum for escapism and when we are lonely or fed up, at the click of a mouse we can escape into a different life where maybe we feel more confident and alive. However, back in the real world the problems are still there.

I wonder if your partner has been more affected by the changes in circumstances than he is letting on and that playing poker online helps move him away from these issues.

It might be more helpful to talk to him about what he is doing and how he is feeling when he isn't playing poker. Are there things you could both do together that could be just as relaxing and interesting? If you find it difficult to talk, think about contacting Relationships Scotland to arrange to see a couples counsellor who can help you look at your situation.

I feel my life is falling to pieces as over the past year I have run up huge debts due to my gambling.

It started off as just a few scratch cards every couple of days, then I started buying more when I won. Eventually I began to bet on the horses too and took out a couple of loans to pay back those debts, but then managed to run up more so it all got out of hand. I owe over 10,000 now which I can't pay back and yet I still gamble.

I hope to make one last bet that will clear the debts and tell myself once I have done that I will never gamble again. I live at home with my elderly parents and am their main carer. I am really worried they will find out. I think I might be addicted and now I just want it all to go away.

OUT OF CONTROL

Sadly, the one thing that is certain is that it won't just all go away without doing something to face things. Confronting your gambling addiction is the first step, and no one else can do that for you. Wanting it all to go away will only deal with the present situation; it won't address the things that got you here. On a practical level, good advice on dealing with your debts is available at CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau).

Then think about how you might face your addiction. At Gamblers Anonymous you will find people who understand what got you to this place and the things that make it hard to stop. You might also want to consider talking to a counsellor to look at other things in your life that might not be working. Practical solutions will help in the short term, but for things to be different in the future you must really want them to change.

OUT OF CONTROL

Anne Chilton is a consultant in professional practice at Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-Scotland.org.uk)

• This article was first published in the Scotland on Sunday on March 13, 2011