Anne Chilton on family feuds

They are the places where our histories are held; not just our personal history but those of all the people we consider to be within our family - and sometimes others who are outside it as well.

Old feuds and rows can be held and hidden or never allowed to die. Sometimes we are not even aware of where these old feuds and rifts started; we only know there is something that can't be talked about or acknowledged and that somehow we must carry on doing whatever has been done before.

Our histories can then impact on how we live and love now. One of the things that counselling, either individually or as a couple, can help with is untangling these old rifts and rivalries and enable people to look at them afresh and decide how they want to deal with them, not be held to how things were dealt with in the past.

Where do I stand?

My mum and dad were divorced 35 years ago when I was three. I stayed with Dad and lost contact with Mum, who remarried. I met her a few years ago but she made it clear she had another family who didn't know about me. I have now heard she is very ill and would like to see her.

We all have pasts. Even our parents have people they loved and lost or left and sometimes those pasts come back to us in the present and we have to deal with that. Your mum has said she does not want her past and present lives to mix and that is hard to hear and accept. However, that needs to be respected. On the other hand, you also need to give space to the feelings of sadness and loss you are experiencing about possibly losing the life you didn't have with your mum.

Pushed out

My partner and I have been together for 15 years. He has a son from a previous relationship who is graduating soon. The boy's 'other' family are having a party which his dad is invited to but not me or our sons, his half-brothers. I regarded him as my step son; he has spent every other weekend with us for the past 15 years and we have a close relationship.

What a difficult situation. It is perhaps hard on your step son as well; you say you have a good relationship. Have you talked to him about the situation? Maybe it wasn't his choice. The thing to remember, though, is that it is a celebration for him and he needs to be allowed to enjoy that without adding in a dose of guilt. Could you, his dad and his half-brothers have another celebration? That way he gets two parties, which could be fun for him and allows everyone to celebrate his achievements.

Something old?

We have been invited to my niece's wedding. My wife says she won't go as she hasn't spoken to my sister-in-law for ten years after a falling-out at a funeral. I am very fond of my niece and want to go.

Ten years is a long time to keep a row simmering. We have to remember the wedding isn't about their argument; it's about your niece's special day and the fall-out probably had nothing to do with her, so why should it spoil things? It sounds as though both your wife and sister-in-law are in entrenched positions and neither wants to be the one to back down. While feuds like this can often start at family events, they can also be resolved at them as well. Ask you wife if she can do it for you and, more important, for your niece - after all it's her day.

Anne Chilton is a consultant in professional practice at Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

This article was first published in Scotland On Sunday, 14 November, 2010