Andrew Hoyle: 'Days drifted by in a child-friendly haze'

I WISH to make an apology to the select and possibly dwindling number of individuals willing to identify themselves as regular readers of this column. I may have given the impression that my seven-year-old son, his five-year-old brother and their three-year-old sister are – at best – dysfunctional social misfits who harbour an unhealthy obsession with Spongebob Squarepants, or – at worst – budding psychopaths with latent homicidal tendencies.

References to 'evil feral brats', 'sinister monsters' and 'living embodiments of the benefits of birth control' may have gone some way to reinforce the suggestion that the trio were basically devil children.

Recent events, however, have proven that nothing could be further from the truth and that our three infants are, in fact, the most loveable scamps we could ever have wished for.

The reasons for this reappraisal manifested themselves over two wonderful weeks of Easter holidays, spent in sunny Scotland.

Finally, harmony has been achieved, thanks to a beautiful house by a beautiful bay – the location of which must remain a secret, save to say it is found within fair Scotia's borders.

As bounteous birdlife soared overhead and crystal-clear waves broke on the beach, the children frolicked and fossicked as never before, even casting off all clouts to skinny-dip before May is in, never mind out.

Days drifted by in a child-friendly haze of rockpooling, kite-flying, kayaking, exploring, bumblebee-chasing, insect-examining and burger-barbecuing.

Yes, it was not unheard of for ice-cream and jelly babies to be consumed between meals – okay, before breakfast – but why not? The case cited by the junior defence counsel that 'We're on our holidays' swings this judge and jury every time.

All this jollity occurred despite – or perhaps because of – a complete absence of television and internet for the whole two weeks.

I don't think anyone missed either device one bit Admittedly, Mummy Cool and I commenced drinking at a slightly earlier hour than would normally be considered appropriate – usually some time after the milk had been added to the Cheerios and before the marmalade had been applied to the toast – so our judgment may be skewed. But for now I'm enjoying the memories – before normal service is resumed.

• This article was first published in The Scotland On Sunday, April 25, 2010