The 21 best jokes in the history of the Edinburgh Festival

A study has claimed to have found the 21 most popular jokes in the history of the Edinburgh Festival.

The Stand comedy club. Picture; Toby Williams
The Stand comedy club. Picture; Toby Williams


The list was compiled by scouring through end-of-festival best joke lists dating back ten years.

Do you think these entries are worthy of Festival folk-lore?

1-Mark Watson.

“I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. “I thought to myself, it’s not really impossible if he’s already done it twice.”

2- Joe Lycett


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“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”

3-Patrick Monahan

“My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs.”

4-Adam Hess

“Did you know Kinder Surprise is German for unwanted pregnancy?”

5-Laura Lexx


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“My boyfriend and I used to argue over the duvet. I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish and he liked to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne.”

6-Chris Turner

“I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.”


“Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t great but the reception was fantastic.”

8-Hayley Ellis


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“I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.”

9-Mark Nelson

“Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.”

10-Joel Dommet

“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.”

11-Harriet Kemsley


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“I’m allergic to nuts, which means that if I ever want to commit suicide I can do it by Ferrero Rocher.”

12- Lou Sanders

“You have to think positively, for example, I don’t have a drink problem. I have a drink opportunity.”

13-Tom Neenan

“Did you know if you count the number of stars in the universe and compare that to the number of grains of sand on a beach, you can ruin a holiday?”

14-Rob Auton


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“I was quite an upbeat child, I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel.”

15-Fin Taylor

“My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.”

16-Juliet Meyers

“Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people: they hate bigotry.”

17- Gary Delaney


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“Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”

18- Chris Coltrane

“The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.”

19-Darren Walsh

“Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens.”

20-Josie Long


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“When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said: ‘Oh, two or three’. She wondered why her marriage didn’t work.”

21- Matt Winning

“Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.”