Parenting: "If we don't get him done, he'll be out fighting"

Published on 27/03/2011 16:05

The children are still on testicle watch, or 'tessacle' as Youngest Child calls them, for our kitten Biggie Smalls, constantly checking him to make sure I've not had them whipped off.

"It's got to be done," I tell them. "But he's a man cat. It's part of him," says Middle Child.

"He won't miss them," I say.

"He will so. He licks them all the time."

This is true. Biggie does spend an inordinate amount of time licking his smalls. "Well, it'll free up hours for lounging around in silk jodphurs disussing Stephen Sondheim instead."

"What?"

"If we don't get him done he'll be out fighting all hours and come back smelling of pee."

"So," says Eldest Child. "What's wrong with that?" Spoken like a true teen.

Only last week Middle Child was home late because a friend had fallen down some stairs and broken his leg, and he had to help carry him home because all their phones were dead.

"Will it be obvious he's been done?" I ask the vet.

"No, you can't tell."

So they'll still be there. Just not as … cheeky. A plan forms. Secretly I book Biggie into the vet's, and I'll be keeping mum. The cat won't be saying anything either, because he'll have lost his … tongue.

Or will he?

• This article was first published in The Scotsman on March 26, 2011