Celebrity Big Brother: Princess Kate is entitled to her privacy and let's hope her black sheep uncle Gary Goldsmith agrees – Aidan Smith

Rumours, jokes and ridiculous conspiracy theories about Princess of Wales abound. Let’s hope she is able to laugh about them

One of the many wild rumours about the Princess of Wales, which are often insane, occasionally funny and now and again scabrous, concerns Celebrity Big Brother. Last night as the show launched, she was of course nowhere to be seen.

No, Kate hadn’t been hidden away by ITV these past eight weeks to ensure maximum gobsmackability for her re-emergence as one of the housemates. She wasn’t sharing welcome cocktails with the various D-listers. She wasn’t giggling and screaming and bagsying a bunk like she was back in boarding school. But strangely – and for many no story is stranger right now than the fact that Kate is still, mysteriously, astonishingly, nowhere to be seen – her uncle was probably doing all of that.

Underneath the splash headline “Kate’s Big Bother”, Gary Goldsmith was described, almost inevitably, as the family “black sheep”. The brother of her mum Carole, he’s a “scandalous millionaire”, also “four-times married” and “heavily tattooed”. But, unlike other black sheep, he’s not turning up a day late for a child’s birthday party with an inappropriate present. Rather, he’s going on national television and a programme which exists for gossip, indiscretion and the participants forgetting the cameras are always on. Carole, continued the report, is “infuriated” and fears royal secrets could be spilled.

No so mysterious

Celebrity Big Brother has got previous here. In 2015, hoping for crumbs from the table of Princess Diana, her former butler Paul Burrell was a housemate. But maybe the House of Windsor can’t complain about reality TV overmuch. After all, wasn’t It’s a Royal Knockout almost a pioneering genre prototype? And who masterminded that show back in 1987? Ah yes, the Duke of Edinburgh, the same Edward who this week is being hurried along to public engagements because of the ongoing unavailability of, among others, the Princess of Wales.

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If you think that’s a clunky and contrived link, check out the internet. Actually, if you’re an avowed royalist and of a nervous disposition, maybe steer clear. The most bonkers theories reside there, all of them sparked by Kate not having been seen since Christmas Day. Is that really so mysterious and astonishing? She’s a 42-year-old mother-of-three who underwent abdominal surgery. Not a small matter and one that would keep her in hospital for two weeks.

Catherine, Princess of Wales, pictured in November, has not been seen in public for some time (Picture: Jane Barlow/WPA Pool/Getty Images)

The original statement from Kensington Palace made it “very clear” that she would be out of “public action” until after Easter. “That hasn’t changed,” says a spokesman for the Waleses. There wouldn’t be updates when there was nothing new or different to report. “The last thing anyone wants is a running commentary of the Princess of Wales’s recovery,” he adds.

Had this been kind of expected in the new spirit of Royal openness? Perhaps, after the King’s candour about his fight against cancer. But the briefest of intimations that Kate’s “doing well” haven’t been enough for the curious, the conspiratorial, the mischievous, the mirthful, the trolling and the lunatic among us.

Playing for Man Utd

To the Celebrity Big Brother rumour, add the one about how she’s going to sensationally re-appear on The Masked Singer. No, she’s had a bad hair day and is letting a fringe grow out before collecting another posy, trouncing William in a sporting face-off or sparking a high street stampede for her latest outfit. No – and this is my favourite because of its innocence – her disappearance is down to a game of hide-and-seek going on too long.

She’s stuck in a toilet block at Wales’s Millennium Stadium. She’s – football knowledge necessary here – playing midfield for Manchester United. She’s – very up-to-the minute and, you might say, on the (chocolate) money – taken the kids to Glasgow’s Willy Wonka experience and it’s been shut down after all the complaints with them trapped inside.

Other theories have been darker, such as the one about the marriage being in trouble, this fuelled by William calling off late from a royal engagement because of a “personal matter”. Spanish TV reports she’s in a coma. Australian TV has a talking head speculating that she’s recuperating after a BBL. This stands for “Brazilian butt lift” and you can find the relevant clip on social media because of course you can find anything there if you’re willing to deep-dive into a rabbit hole, as lots of us are.

Those veteran royal corrs, Nicholas Witchell and Jenny Bond, must be appalled but maybe some of this nonsense makes you smile. Perhaps Kate will have a jolly good laugh about it when she returns to royal duties and someone in the crowd cheekily inquires about the BBL, the fringe or Wonka. But what’s she thinking at the moment? That the old “never complain, never explain” maxim hasn’t worked in her case?

Information vacuum filled by nutters

It did for the late Queen but that was then and now there’s an anything-goes and totally lawless media landscape and a public which will no longer wait patiently by the wireless for the blandest of bulletins delivered in a clipped accent. We hate information vacuums and the nutters can’t stop filling them.

The King has rightly been praised for sharing his cancer diagnosis. After it, visits to the NHS’s prostate enlargement page soared by 1,000 per cent. But he’s the head of state and the state of his health is of national importance. Kate wasn’t born into the royal life. Further down the line as a woman and a mother she might, for the benefit of others, seek to open up about her health issues – indeed it would be a bit of a surprise if she didn’t do this. Perfectly understandably while in recovery, though, she might not feel like sharing them with the world.

Kate is entitled to her privacy and let’s hope Uncle Gary agrees.