Claire black: ‘I don’t find it easy being a guest. It means being unselfish and grateful’

THE chances are, over the next few days you are either going to have more guests in your house than you’ve had in the past three months combined. Or perhaps you will be bestowing your company upon others. Yes, that is a euphemism for turning up, cluttering up the spare room and eating all the toffee pennies out of the Quality Street.

Personally, I’m in the latter camp. I’ve delivered myself to my in-laws, complete with a rucksack of un-ironed clothes (I seriously ran out of time for packing, just be grateful they’re clean, it was close) and – as a result of the sat-nav in the hire car choosing an obscure route to London via St Albans – a shopping bag of several half-munched bags of treats (chilli nuts, Bombay mix), half a French stick (it was a long detour), and a half-drunk bottle of non-alcoholic mulled wine from Ikea (there is no excuse for that). It’s not exactly Santa’s sack, is it?

I did manage to find time to pack all the proper booze, and just seconds after I clinked my way up the stairs and through the front door, I was told not to bring any alcohol as there was already plenty. Oops. Slightly soft chilli nut, anyone?

I’ll be honest, I don’t find it easy being a guest. I don’t think I’m particularly anti-social or domestically inept, it’s more that being a good guest is hard. It means being unselfish and grateful. And then there’s the whole “make yourself at home, but not so much that you think wandering around half dressed or lying along the sofa scoffing Lindor for six hours at a time is an acceptable way to behave” thing. But then again, waiting to be offered tea in the best china instead of just sticking the kettle on doesn’t work either. And then, of course, there’s the tricky negotiations around traditions – bread sauce or not / homemade Yorkshire puddings or not/ lunch or dinner or not/ getting utterly plastered or not. It’s a minefield.

So this year, I’m bringing it down to some basics: rule one, if you are a guest, make sure you do the dishes, you are not staying in a hotel. Rule two: eat what you’re given and say nice things about it. No one wants to see your impression of Monica on Masterchef: The Professionals. Rule three: do try to have a lovely time, won’t you?

IT WAS a little ironic in the week that everyone was waiting for the world to end as a result of ancient hocus-pocus predictions, the journal of the American Association for the Advancement of Science published its top 10 scientific achievements of 2012. But then again, the discovery that they placed on the top spot was the one that was dubbed the “God” particle. Yes, I understand that observing the Higgs boson by use of the Large Hadron Collider is an amazing achievement. I know it proves that there is an energy field all around us that gives mass to the fundamental particles that make up our world. I just wish I understood what that actually means.

I THINK I’m going to make 2013 the year I start writing open letters. Have you seen the one that Reese Witherspoon has written to Naomi Watts, backing her for an Oscar for her performance in The Impossible? Critics are saying it’s gag-inducingly gushing, but I’m not so sure. Yes, Witherspoon says she will “literally tap dance on Sunset Boulevard” to big up Watts’ award chances, but wait until you see her in JA Bayona’s movie – she is remarkably good. So I’m thinking open letters are the way forward, I just need to compile my list of recipients...

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