Public logos are symbol of waste

In recent years we have had Edinburgh's Inspiring Capital logo, which looked for all the world like a schoolboys' peeing contest or, even more confusingly, Glasgow's Armadillo. The rebranding exercise cost around 800,000.

Even that wasn't enough to buy the competence to register the domain name on the web, so anyone Googling came up with the "Edinburgh Sucks" site, dedicated to slating the city council. Spectacular own goal.

Then we had London's Olympic logo, widely criticised by the public as being incomprehensible. That cost 400,000.

Now we have Lothian and Borders Police paying 120,000 for a new logo. It comes in two-tone blue. There's something that looks like a wee checked bunnet on the top, although apparently it is supposed to be a Saltire. Below that it says "Lothian and Borders Police". Jings! Think of the imagination required.

It could have been worse. It could have been pink.

I'm the first to admit that, when one is selling soap powder or corn flakes, a recognisable brand logo is probably highly desirable and cost effective. Where would McDonald's be without the big "M" or Kellogg's without its "K"?

But councils, police forces and the Olympics have a monopoly over a more or less captive market. They're not in competition with other councils. We can't opt to be dealt with by another police force and unless there's been a revolution in athletics, as far as I know there's only one Olympic Games every four years.

Have a logo by all means, but any sensible person would rather have had four extra police officers than a new letterhead.

By far the greatest objection most of us have to this rampant and hugely expensive logo-mania is that the results are usually mediocre at best. Is that because the designers are pants? Or because when it comes to such public institutions there is inevitably a committee involved who, having not an artistic or commercial bone between them, still feel compelled to hold sway over how it should look. Who knows?

None of them actually have any money to spend on such frippery anyway. The council never stops moaning about its budgets. The Olympics are going to be paid for by each and every one of us. And the police aren't exactly wading up to their knees in spare cash.

Why, for example, if they are so determined on having a logo, do Edinburgh City Council and Lothian & Borders Police never consider sensible options such as running a competition among talented students in our excellent College of Art or other design colleges?

Why not ask their own staff to submit ideas. After all, someone designs the council freesheet and the police employ artists. Possibly they have designers working on their websites and publicity material.

They could have run a competition in the Evening News so we could all have had a shot. Come to that, they could have asked the design editor of the Evening News who, I have every faith, would have done an excellent job for a fraction of the price, if not just for the honour and a year's supply of Marlboro Lights.

In fairness, we can't blame the design consultants who charge such astronomical fees for such unremarkable products. We can only blame the mugs who, on our behalf, pay for it.

This won't wash

ANOTHER little in-house question of the day. Of all the professions you can think of, who is most expert at washing hands? Who is actually trained in the act of sterilising themselves from fingertips to elbows?

You've got it – surgeons. So who would you expect NHS Highland to ask to teach their nurses and doctors how to wash their hands?

You may have a problem with this one. The answer is... a couple of "hand hygiene local health board co-ordinators" who are to be recruited at an extra cost of 32,000 a year each, which just happens to be thousands more than the average nurse.

The best laugh is that these "co-ordinators" are also going to be responsible for training (oh yes, you're ahead of me now) surgeons!

You couldn't make it up. We can only hope that NHS Lothian doesn't pick up this brilliant idea and run with it.

Ad nauseum

JUST a couple of small irritations from the crazy world of television advertising; what's the point of a cat litter which absorbs odour to such an extent that the cat can't find the litter tray?

Would you really be attracted to a man whose arm had just been torn off moments before and who smelled of chocolate?

Would you really discuss your thrush or a bad case of flatulence over lunch with the girls? OK, forget the last one – of course you would.